I want to make a workbench good,
But do not know what kind of wood.
If you would tell me the best tree,
I might not build workbenches three….
If you reveal which tree is best,
I could avoid a workbench fest.
Could I make it out of oak?
Or would I go completely broke?
Well…
You could make it out of pine,
And you will be completely fine.
Hmmmm.
But could I make it out of fir?
Would Master Klausz then call me “sir?”
Would walnut be an OK wood?
Would butternut be twice as good?
Could I make it out of elm?
Or would my friends be underwhelmed?
I could use my pile of birch
Might that leave me in a lurch?
Should I use the Southern yellow?
Or would I be a stupid fellow?
Might I use the mighty maple?
For this heavy workshop staple?
Should I seek the perfect ash?
On which to thrust my mighty… rasp?
Perhaps I’ll try a bench of beech
What benchery kings would that impeach?
Well…
Make your bench from fir or oak,
Or elm or larch or reclaimed spokes.
You can use some purpleheart
(But for it I won’t give a fart.)
Make your bench from any tree.
Just make it, make it, you will see.
Workbenches can be any wood.
It is a point not understood.
You can make it out of pine,
And you will be completely fine.
Hmmmm.
What about mahogany?
Would that be too bourgeoise?
Would sapele be the perfect timber?
Blah blah blah blah blah blah limber?
Would Osage orange be tough enough?
Or should I look for stiffer stuff?
How about some eucalyptus?
Or would that wreck my left meniscus?
Or perhaps some hearty hickory?
Would that be workbench victory?
I could procure some primo jarrah.
And working, don a wood tiara.
Would it be nuts to use padauk?
And would that bring a Schwarz rebuke?
I have a pile of curly cherry –
Or would that be just too dang hairy?
What about a torsion box?
With vacuum pads and filled with rocks?
Um.
I think I hear the other phone.
My cat is choking on a bone.
My kids are playing with a spear.
I have to go right now I fear.
But if you make it out of pine.
I know the bench will turn out fine.
— Christopher Schwarz. With thanks to Megan Fitzpatrick, Tim Henrickson and Narayan Nayar and apologies to Theodore Geisel.
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