In the first 90 pages of “The Anarchist’s Design Book” Chris has used “butt” or “buttocks” thirty-seven times (that might be a slight exaggeration). I know, disturbing isn’t it? Especially when you consider the huge number of other terms he could have used. To name just a few: arse, behind, bottom, bum, derriere, duff, haunches, hinder, rump, tush. Just for clarification there was also some mention of furniture to go along with all the butts.
Your twelve-year old self is probably giggling and thinking, “Butt! Buttocks! That’s my kind of book!” But, I’m a little concerned. Is this a developing theme or concept? Will “Butt” and “Buttocks, see butt” have to go in the index? Well, it wouldn’t be my first time for an unusual index entry; “cupcake” and “tube top” are in the index for “The Anarchist’s Tool Chest.”
Putting all the “butts” aside, I was a bit startled when Bambi arrived in Chapter 2. That’s Bambi, as in the cute little fawn, not the cocktail waitress. At this point you might think I’m reading Guillermo del Toro’s remake of Tim Burton’s “Nightmare in Wonderland.” Maybe I am. Those weird wired-legged models are in the book, but so far no white rabbits or clowns.
I may be in for some very disturbing dreams tonight.
I’ve added a new category to the Lost Art Press blog: Satire.
So now when I write a satirical piece, such as this, this or this, it will be filed in the “satire” category, which is shown at the bottom of each post below my signature.
I won’t stop writing satire, as it is an effective writing form. But I also know that it upsets some people when they don’t get it.
So from now on, check the categories below a post before you start bloviating.
I can hold my tongue no longer. After a decade of teaching woodworking I have become fed up with schools, books and magazines that promote a jig that reduces the general skill level of the population. It slows you down. And it is one more silly device that gets between you and the craft.
Decent craftsmen don’t need it.
I am talking, of course, about the bench hook.
While promoted as a way to get perfectly square results, this jig is a crutch that will prevent you from ever sawing straight freehand – then learning to stop your cut as soon as the teeth break through the work. This basic sawing skill, taught to apprentices for centuries, is the foundation for a mountain of other skills, such as freehand knifing of parquetry, cutting tenons without scribe lines and full-blind (meaning blindfolded) dovetails.
Oh, and the expense of the jig. Manufacturers will sell all manner of bench hooks to an unsuspecting beginner, wasting his or her money and feathering their own pockets. And beginners don’t buy just one bench hook – they end up buying four or five different varieties and end up never learning to saw.
Will you stand with me by refusing to teach beginners the use of this ridiculous crutch? And will you send letters to the editors of your favorite magazine every time one of these spurious time-wasters appears in their pages?
Raney Nelson, 44, a woodworker, toolmaker and father, was killed Saturday by a piece of flying debris in his Indiana workshop.
While medical authorities are still working out the details, Hancock County Coroner Tammy Vangundy told the Greenfield (Ind.) Daily Reporter that Nelson was struck by several jagged pieces of wood that looked like they came from his workbench area.
According to Hancock County EMS reports, when medics arrived on the scene, they called the Hancock County Sheriff’s Office because it appeared that the workbench had “exploded,” though the Daily Reporter said no explosives or accelerants were found at the scene.
Though I saw Nelson briefly at Woodworking in America, the last time I got to talk with him at length was during the French Oak Roubo Project in Barnesville, Ga. We built our workbenches side-by-side during the week, and it is a bit unnerving to think that Raney was killed by his own workbench.
We all knew the moisture content in our benchtops was high, but I had no idea that a bench could rip itself apart to the point where it would become a porcupine of deadly projectiles. I suppose this is why the slab-top workbench was abandoned more than a century ago. It’s just too risky to human life.
Remember kids: Sjöbergs save lives. It’s not just a marketing slogan.
— Christopher Schwarz
The following is my photo tribute to Raney and his bench.
Only suckers and the richie-rich buy tack rags at the store.
The rest of us can do a better job of making our own tack rags with simple shop chemicals and a just a few hours of work.
Step one: Get some cloth. To make the rag, you need something cotton that has got no lint. Old tank-top T-shirts are fine – just as long as they are thin enough that you can see your nipples through them.
Other options: Swipe some cheesecloth from the garbage of the local yuppie “cheeserie.” Raise some ungrateful kids and use their cloth diapers. Tip: Sort through the trash of your neighbors and get their old tack rags. Soak them in mineral spirits to remove the dust and binding agents. Launder them.
Step two: Soak your rags them in turps. If you live in the South, then turps are easy to get. Just pull over on the interstate in November and tap a longleaf pine tree by the side of the road. Here’s how:
First “box” the tree. Using a long-headed axe, cut a “box” shape into the base of the tree that is 10” to 14” wide and 2-1/2” deep. This will catch the sap from the tree.
Drive off.
In March, chip a “streak” approximately 3/4” wide and 1” deep above the box using a “hack” tool. This releases the sap, which collects in the box you cut back in November.
Drive off.
About April, use a steel spatula to scoop the liquid (called gum) from the box and into a bucket. With the turpentine collected, you can then soak your cotton cloths in the pine resin and get them ready to receive the thing that makes them “tack” cloths – some sort of resin.
Now, you can buy a varnish at the store and spend upwards of $13 on a quart of stuff that you can drizzle on your rags. Or you can easily make your own varnish using ingredients from the sporting goods store.
Step 1: Go to the sporting goods store and buy a cheap “batter’s bag,” which is filled with unrefined tree rosin, the key to making beautiful varnish. Suckers.
Step 2: You need a few quarts of olive oil. Take a Ziploc to your local Olive Garden and get the unlimited salad and breadsticks lunch. On the table will be a bottle of olive oil. Empty that into your plastic bag. Tell the waiter you are out of olive oil. Repeat until you have enough.
Step 3: A gallon of turps. You know the drill. Drive out to your longleaf pine forest in November….
Step 4: Boil these ingredients until they are the consistency of honey. Let it cool and put it into mason jars.
Now you are ready to make your tack rags. Take your turp-soaked diapers and drip some of your varnish on them, kneading the rags the whole time. Drizzle. Knead. When it gets real sticky, stop.
Victory. You are done. Store the rag in a plastic bag until you need it.
In the first 90 pages of “The Anarchist’s Design Book” Chris has used “butt” or “buttocks” thirty-seven times (that might be a slight exaggeration). I know, disturbing isn’t it? Especially when you consider the huge number of other terms he could have used. To name just a few: arse, behind, bottom, bum, derriere, duff, haunches, hinder, rump, tush. Just for clarification there was also some mention of furniture to go along with all the butts.
