In addition to the Malodorous Mallet Co., we’re pleased to announce this blog is also sponsored by the Hold Harmless Clamp Co., makers of the No Dent Left Behind Squeezy Clamp. Hold Harmless clamps are prized for their patented “Released on their own Recognizance” technology, where the clamp pops open without any assistance whatsoever from the user. Amazing.
Lately, I’ve been thinking, “Why not grab some of this internet sponsorship cash?” And so we have taken on a sponsor – the Malodorous Rubber Mallet Co. I’ve agreed to use the company’s mallets in social media photos and will be impartially reviewing the mallet against all other mallets ever made in this dimension (and others) in the coming weeks.
All I can say at this point is that this mallet is so good that you can smell it coming. It offers the Perfume of Percussion. The Whiff of Whacking. The Bouquet of Beating.
You may have noticed that Chris and I have been making a lot of chairs recently. In the past few months, we’ve made a few incremental improvements and changes to our processes that make charmaking easier, more accurate and more enjoyable.
But now, we think we’ve come up with a tool that will revolutionize your chairmaking process – and rather than just write it up, the millennial-in-residence (that’s me) decided to make a flashy video to share our innovation with you.
So, please enjoy the video below about our latest innovation, the “Chairmaker’s Sighting Square” – and scroll past the video for the necessary files to make your own.
The Chairmaker’s Sighting Square from Christopher Schwarz on Vimeo.
Hand-drafted Measured Drawing
3D Printer .obj File
Digital Measured Drawings
Lasercutter-compatible file (AutoCAD format)
So this week I sat down with my image consultant and he had some harsh words for me: “You need a ‘thing’ to set you apart from other woodworking bloggers, podcasters and television personalities.”
I asked: “A thing?”
“Yeah. Charles Brock has that patchwork hat. Roy Underhill has his hat and suspenders. Scott Phillips has his similar hat and suspenders. Norm Abram – tool belt. David Mark has tattoos. Tommy Mac has his muscle shirts., and….”
I say: “I have a beard.”
“Sorry,” he said. “Unless your beard is equal to or greater than Peter Follansbee’s, then it’s just hardscrabble. Plus, he has cornered the market on the tie-dye T-shirt and shorts thing. So don’t even bring those up”
“Ugh,” I said. “What do you recommend?”
“You could wear a cape,” he suggested. “Maybe array tools on the interior?”
I countered. “What if it gets caught in the jointer or the table saw? That could be dangerous.” I paused. “Look, I don’t like to have my face appear on the blog or on video, what about a mask? Like a luchador?”
The consultant had a good point: “In this day and age, dressing like a Mexican wrestler will get you excoriated by the liberals or deported by the conservatives.”
We locked eyes.
“Fancy wristwatches?”
“Mario Rodriguez.”
“Unusual fingernails?”
“David Charlesworth”
“A vicious temper?”
“I’m not touching that.”
“Large mammaries?”
“Look, I already said I’m not touching those.”
“Copious body hair?”
“Hmmm. How much body hair do you have?” the consultant asked. “Do you have to shave your back?”
“No. I pluck three hairs from my right shoulder,” I said. “Two from my left.”
“A huge afro?”
“Bob Ross.”
“Bob Ross is dead!”
“But Bob Ross’s afro is so awesome it has been retired.”
And that’s where my time was up with the image consultant. His recommendation: Mount a Kickstarter campaign to raise enough money to perform a statistically significant survey of what my gimmick should be.
Maybe a huge rodeo belt with a pterodactyl holding a carving gouge….
— Christopher Schwarz
Gary writes: I’ve tried to hold my tongue, but I cannot do it any longer. You are about to loose me as a subscriber to your blog and you should know why.
First there was Jeff Burk (Burks?), who put up those boring blogs I never could figure out. Thank goodness he left or you got rid of him because I didn’t get it. I learned nothing from it, except where my DELETE key is.
Now we have Suzanne the saucy indexer whose at the same thing. Her attempts to be funny – which landed in my email today, just aren’t. Sorry but its true. You should know.
This blog used to be great, and I learned so much about tools and woodworking. Now its just stupid jokes, photos of old furniture and sophmoric humor.
You should write more about dovetails and panel-raising, for example. I’m building a hope chest for my granddaughter and could use some tips on making panels. How about comparing all the sharpening systems? Or showing how to fix up old tools?
How you respond to this letter will decide if I am going to stay with Lost Arts Press or not.
I’m not trying to come off as mean, just a truth teller.
I know you will never publish this.
