Category: Chair Chat

Editor’s note: We present to you today an early chair made out of wood. It is brown and has four legs but there may be more to it. Read on if you would like to know more about early French chairs with back rests. As always, please do not read on if you are offended, intimidated, or otherwise bothered by pathetic immature toilet humor and early fart jokes.

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Rudy: OK, I’ve got another one. Perhaps you might not want to see this one. Here we go:

Klaus: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Chris: BWAHAHAHAHA

Rudy: It’s French.

Klaus: A pallet chair.

Chris: It’s like that chair made a ladder to escape itself.

Klaus: What the hell?!

Rudy: Staked meets ladderback.

Klaus : Staked meets pallet. The legs are SO wrong compared to the rest.

Rudy: And the rest is so wrong compared to every chair in the world.

Chris: More snakes-eating-a-big-rat shape. Just look at those legs.

Klaus: But are those chunky two-by-fours actually mortised into the seat? I mean the back posts?

Chris: The back is really interesting. The slats are notched into the back uprights.

Klaus: Yeah, that’s a nice detail. I wonder why he didn’t just nail the slats on with 4″-long nails.

Rudy: I have more pictures. Or shall we do the armchair?

Chris: This is good.

Klaus: Nah, this is great

Rudy: OK, on y va:

Rudy: The initials “PV” obviously stand for Penis Vagina.

Klaus: Or Pallet Vood

Chris: Somebody went to a LOT of work for very little benefit here.

Klaus: I don’t even know where to start.

Rudy: How about the wooden nails?

Klaus: I just noticed them.

Chris: This feels like something you would see on a movie set.

Klaus: Really, how?

Chris: No evidence of real wear. All the same color.

Klaus: Good point.

Chris: Lots and lots of work on something that is supposed to look primitive.

Rudy: DESCRIPTION: A primitive handmade ladderback Alpine chair in solid ash. France, early 1900s.
Dimension: H74cm (29-1/8″) x W51cm (20-1/16″) x D35cm (13-3/4″)
Color: brown
Materials: wood
Style: vintage

Klaus: Just the squareness of it all…makes it look so bad.

Chris: Or something you would see at a store that specialized in primitive furniture from third-world countries.

Rudy: Color: brown.

Klaus : Style vintage…nice.

Rudy: Material: wood.

Klaus: Oh, it’s made of wood!

Chris: Also: Is a chair. Really. We swears it.

Rudy: And it has legs!

Klaus: Well, that can be debated.

Chris: Legs: Number, four.

Rudy: Back rest: It has one.

Chris: I know I’m a suspicious lad, but this one smells. But I don’t know why anyone would fake this.

Klaus: Looks like the seat is rounded off at the corners with an axe.

Rudy: The maker really did his best with all the facets on the seat.

Chris: And then colored everything perfectly brown.

Klaus: It does look like it has never been sat in.

Chris: Or someone took a GIANT SHART on it. Once.

Klaus: After eating snails.

Chris: And then they put polyurethane on the shart.

Rudy: Like any good French person would do.

Chris: I think it’s something to fool the tourists.

Rudy: You may be right about that.

Klaus: It sure looks like someone decided to make a primitive-looking chair and didn’t do ANY research.

Rudy: That seat is mega thick.

Klaus: And made of material: wood.

Chris: Modern planer marks on the back edge.

Klaus: Hah! Good eye! Look at that! Or are they band saw marks?

Rudy: The wood also doesn’t look worn or aged at all.

Klaus: Nope.

Chris: Could be a band saw.

Rudy: Can you tell the brand by looking at that picture?

Klaus: It’s definitely not JB’s old Startrite.

Chris: Definitely Alpine.

Rudy: An Alpine band saw with a saw blade. And it runs on power.

Klaus: Yes, with a French opening.

Chris: Definitely an electric tool. Not a reciprocating saw.

Klaus: The maker is SO busted.

Chris: Another theory: This was made for a living-history museum.

Chris: Frenchie de la du Faker Chair™.

Rudy: Yes, and then it ended up with an antiques dealer who thought it was authentic.

Chris: Or went along with the ruse.

Klaus: Could be, but if I was the museum director, I would not pay the maker for this piece of crap. It doesn’t resemble anything.

Chris: Unless it was the Alpine Crap Museum. Ever been?

Rudy: Well, it does have a nice brown color. Le museum de la turdy.

Chris: Because it is at at the Crap Museum! Everything is brown at the Crap Museum!

Rudy: Exactly. Everything! And it smells in there!

Klaus: Been temped many times, but always ended up going to Champs Turdysees instead.

Chris: Hahaha, both of you.

Chris: I hope no one bought this chair. And I worry about the smell if used as firewood.

Chris: The Hot Fart Chair

Rudy: Ze’ot fart-chaire, as the French would say.

Rudy: £909 – nope, not sold.

Chris: Well there is a god.

Klaus: Hahaha…Is there anything more to add about this fart-smelling wood-material fake?

Chris: When they say “early 1900s” maybe early one day in the 1900s?

Chris: 8 a.m. on Dec. 31, 1999.

Klaus: Hahaha. That is funny

Rudy: Hahahaha!

Chris: Early, 1900s. It’s all about the comma.

Rudy: Early in the morning, sometime in the 1900s.

Chris: Yes. No one ever talks about that aspect of furniture.

Rudy: One brown morning, in the 1900s.

Chris: Hahaha.

Klaus: Good point. There are so many great chairs made after 4 p.m.

Chris: The late chairs.

Rudy: Late 2000s.

Klaus: Hahaha. Someone should make a timeless chair

Rudy: This chair is from the era of shut the f*ck up.

Chris: Early shut the f*ck up. To be specific.

Klaus: Get the f*ck up early and make a chair.

Rudy: Not the mid-shut the f*ck up. Those were horrible.

Klaus: I think this chair was f*cked up from the start.

Chris: From the early start.

Rudy: Do you think the maker started with the legs, seat or back first?

Klaus: Hey, it’s actually handmade, too, says the info. That is a lie. I think he started with the CNC. Or not.

Chris: CNC drawknife.

Rudy: CNC drawknife™

Chris: We need to invent CNC for froes, axes and drawknives.

Klaus: That could make you rich. Peter Galbert would love it.

Rudy: CNC milk paint.

Chris: CNC hide glue.

Rudy: Early CNC hide glue.

Klaus: That is the best.

Chris: From the morning cow.

Chris: OK, I take all back. This chair is real.

Klaus: Ze Chaiur.

Rudy: The chair is real because it says so on the Internet. Everything on the Internet is true.

Klaus: The maker probably had three cloves of garlic up his a$$ while making it.

Chris: De bonne heure chair.

Klaus: I don’t know what that means

Chris : De bonne heure marron.

Klaus: All I know in French is au revoir.

Chris: Early Brown.

Rudy: Hence the brown color.

Chris: And the earliness! So, so early.

Rudy: So early it can almost not get any earlier.

Chris: So early it is almost late.

Rudy: But hey, the maker fooled us with his wooden nails – not a pocket screw in sight. Clever guy.

Klaus: Haha. Good point. A good chairmaker hides his pocket screws. Right?

Chris: They are under the wooden plugs

Rudy: Says the expert.

Chris: I have no shame about that!

Rudy: None needed!

Klaus: You should not!

Rudy: I use pocket screws in almost all of my carvings. And cover them with wooden plugs. No shame.

Chris: I’m not going for the East Wales vibe.

Klaus: That pocket-screw trick with the three-piece arm is one of my favorite chairmaking tricks!

Chris: Thanks. Better than a JB dowel.

Rudy: You mean you think it’s authentic?

Chris: Early authentic.

Rudy: Right. De bonne heure authentique.

Chris: Oui, mon petite chou chou.

Klaus: Early authentic is better than this mid-day fake chair.

Rudy: Early authentic is actually a great way to describe this chair.

Chris: Sounds like marketing speak.

Rudy: The seat has some nice cracks.

Chris: Nice cracks to hold the nice brown.

Klaus: So, a name for this one? Many to choose from.

Chris: Yeah. Who ever edits this one can choose the name.

Rudy: Something with “early” perhaps?

Chris: And “brown.”

Klaus: I bet the back posts are screwed into the seat. The whole chair is screwed, in fact.

Chris: The buyer is especially screwed

Klaus: Haha.

Rudy: Haha.

Chris: OK, I gotta help Lucy unload the groceries. So I’m gonna sign off. She has beer. BYE!

Klaus: Au revoir.

Rudy: Bye!

Editor’s note: Where does the king keep his armies? Up his sleevies.

The maker of this chair had his own ideas about arm orientation. Read on if you want to find out more about this peculiar chair that was undoubtedly inspired by the works of well known Dutch author Charles Dikkens.

Please note: If you are scared of mentions of feces, fornication jokes or rectal tenons, please close your computer now and wait around for the next blog post about Bean the Shop Cat sleeping on a sheepskin after a good meal.

If you are reading this via email, click the headline to read the rest.

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Editor’s note: Leg day at the gym a heated topic but you can also overdo it, as this chair shows us. We also wonder if Veritas used to sell a giant tenon cutter in the distant past.

Please beware that salty talk follows. To reduce its negative effects we found a nice recipe of strawberry tea with lots of honey. Click more to read more….

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Editor’s note: This time we discuss an antique chair with a finish that is “a wet antiquarian’s wet dream.” Or “Torched Feces” as Rudy would call it. The chair in total is maybe too perfect to be true, and sometimes Wales stretches all the way to China. We still love it. And as always, we don’t expect anyone to take any of our theories seriously. Chris also wishes for a blacksmith screw and regrets it immediately. As always, the language here is a bit on the salty side and we do mention words like “joint” and “shaved” several times. For those who only have Sting records in their collection, please stop reading now and click this link instead.

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Chris: How ’bout we drag out the comb back?

Klaus: Let’s do it! Here it is:

Rudy: Here’s the info from the antiques dealer: “Original late 18th Century painted Welsh comb back chair. Mixed woods elm & ash.

Dimensions:
95.3 cms High (37.5 inches)
55.9 cms Wide (22 inches)
78.7 cms Deep (31 inches)”

Chris: Is this chair from Far East Wales?

Rudy: I think it may be!

Klaus: This definitely looks like a Far East Wales chair, yes. Very far east.

Rudy: Judging from the weird finish.

Klaus : The finish IS weird.

Chris: Featuring a Far East Wales Finish That is Too Good?

Klaus : I would at least suspect that.

Chris: The finish is an antiquarian’s wet dream.

Rudy: And it is evenly worn on the sticks..

Klaus: And totally worn off on the back of the crest..?!

Chris : That’s because Welsh horses rubbed against it for 200 years.

Klaus: Of course.

Rudy: True, did you not know that is what they do?

Klaus: By Welsh horses you mean the Welsh men’s wives?

Chris: No. Their sheep. Same thing.

Rudy: Haha!

Klaus: So I’ve herd.

Chris: Herd! Haha.

Rudy: The chair looks a bit like World War II German SS camouflage uniforms.

Chris: Oh it’s Nazi time already?

Klaus: Can we call this a Nazi chair?

Chris : Not again!

Rudy: Hitler would have been proud! Just don’t put the chair outside or you’ll never be able to find it again.

Chris: I’m afraid this chair was born way after Hitler. But damn the form is nice.

Klaus: Unfortunately, I think Chris has a point here. This chair was probably made with a Festool router.

Rudy: Well to be fair, Hitler was born a long time ago.

Rudy: The form is nice – that is why we picked it! I like its inviting stance.

Klaus: Yeah, LOVE the stance.

Chris: Like I don’t even know where to start with this chair. It’s so good.

Klaus : Even the imperfections, like the uneven bow in the long sticks, are nice.

Rudy: The crest. I like the crest.

Klaus: Yeah, the crest is gracious.

Chris: I love the through-tenons in the crest.

Klaus: Yes, me too.

Chris: So wonky and so good. TOO GOOD.

Rudy : Yes, very well done indeed. It gives the chair a lot of character.

Klaus: The crest has a perfect shape. Perfect length, too. I wanna make a crest like that.

Rudy: Me too. It looks balanced, but spontaneous.

Chris: It will be a bitch to drill. I’d make it with straight edges first. Drill the mortises. Then shape it. Or maybe you could shape it first and drill the mortises in a vise.

Klaus: The back tilt of the arm is great.

Chris: And the way the hands are raised up. Like GIVE ME A HUG!

Klaus: The arm is also a three-piece arm, with some kind of half-lap joint. And I love the long doubler on this one, too.

Chris : You can see the joints in one of the photos.

Chris: I think this guy should do a chair book for Lost Art Press.

Rudy: Very talented!

Chris: I’d love to see how he/she works. By the way, I like the curved posts at the front. I did that on one chair and want to get back to it.

Rudy: True, that adds to the inviting character of the chair.

Klaus: Did you also make them flat like these?

Chris: Kinda. They were from curved branches. Shaved a little roundish.

Klaus: Are they mortised through the arm with a square mortise?

Rudy: It looks like they are epoxied onto the seat.

Chris: Mine was mortised into the seat with a round tenon (wedged from below). And then I (cringe) screwed it to the underside of the arm.

Rudy: Will the blasphemies ever stop…

Klaus: We all have our sins..

Chris: It was a square-drive screw. I have sinned. Bad.

Klaus: Oh no.

Chris: I meant to replace it with a blacksmith nail…

Klaus: …but the pocket screw was so solid…

Rudy: Or a blacksmith screw!

Chris: I would love a blacksmith screw! (He said, immediately regretting the choice of words).

Rudy: I know one here in Germany. He would be happy to screw you.

Klaus: Haha! Anyway, how come this maker makes the chairs look like they’ve been drowned and tossed out a window? Assuming of course, that this chair is younger than my daughter’s hamster.

Chris: They sell like this. People love this look.

Rudy: The chair does indeed look a bit like a corpse that has been submerged for three weeks.

Chris: We have a guy near here who specializes in this finish. He does it with a torch.

Klaus: Interesting. I will throw my next chair out of the window then. Then burn it afterwards.

Rudy: I will have to experiment with this technique too, then. I think this looks torched as well, now that you say it.

Chris: We did an article on it at Popular Woodworking years ago. Remind me to dig it up for you.

Klaus: Chris, can you dig up that article about fake old finishes from Popular Woodworking?

Rudy: Chris, could you please dig up that article you did in Popular Woodworking years ago?

Chris: F&%# you!

Klaus: Haha. Anyway, let’s be friends.

Rudy: Yes. Let’s be the peaceful Chair Chat Ladies.

Klaus: I’m not a big fan of the broomstick legs.

Chris: At least they aren’t tree trunks. What I would like to know is how high the armbow is off the seat – at the back and the front.

Klaus: I’d say 7″ at the back and 8-3/4″ in the front.

Rudy: It looks pretty low at the back.

Chris: Agree. And the back sticks look like they pitch back pretty severely. More like a Gibson.

Rudy: Totally, I was going to say that. Especially under the armbow.

Klaus: Very leaned back. Looks super comfy.

Chris: Agree! It leans Almost to 25°, maybe 20°?

Klaus: The deep seat, the heavily leaning back and the lifted arm – it all pitches you into the chair.

Chris: Yup. Dude knows how to push my chair buttons.

Rudy: Mine too. The bastard.

Klaus: All the parts are also proportional to each other in size. That’s nice.

Rudy: Yes, it is a very balanced chair.

Chris: And its perfection is what led me to say: Far East Wales.

Rudy: I wonder if he/she works from historical examples or their own design?

Chris: Well , there is at least no awkwardness about it.

Klaus: Absolutely none.

Chris: And almost all of these chairs, the real antique ones, have some fault that is charming by being off.

Klaus: Yes, exactly. The imperfections make them perfect.

Rudy: Look at that back leg, how the tear-out from that knot gives it character.

Chris: Yeah. But it’s too perfect. Like a scar on a supermodel.

Klaus: Well, if that is done intentionally, then my hat is off for this maker. I don’t wear hats, but I would for this guy.

Chris: It doesn’t really make it wonky. Just cool.

Rudy: In some way the chair is so perfect I would like to see one without the torched paint finish.

Chris: I know a couple people who work in the Fake Trade. They do stuff like this all the time. Many times they use old parts to make a new fake antique.

Rudy: I believe that is what happens here, too.

Klaus: I’ve heard about shipping containers full of chair parts from old chairs, going from the UK to China.

Rudy: But can they re-use the seat?

Chris : I would think no. But I’m no Fake Artist. If it were me, I’d want all the wonky sticks. And legs.

Rudy: In some way it is a nice thing that the chair parts have a second life.

Chris: Better than firewood!

Klaus : Sure, just don’t sell it for $4,000 USD.

Chris: I don’t have a problem with the price. Just the deception.

Rudy: Yes, they should not be called Original late 18th Century.

Chris: Fakes have to be called out. Or they become part of the furniture record. Museums are reportedly full of fakes.

Klaus: I have become so disillusioned lately. I can’t even look at an antique chair anymore without suspecting it’s from Far East Wales. Anyway, did we have any poop or fart jokes at all today?

Rudy: Poop!

Klaus: Fart!

Chris : Well I hope that feces is involved in the finishing process.

Rudy: It sure looks like that!

Klaus: Something has definitely been smeared onto it.

Rudy: Torched feces.

Klaus: The Torched Feces Finish Chair™.

Rudy: The SS Torched Feces Camouflage Chair™.

Chris: That’s the name of the chair! …and my next punk band.

Klaus: Hello, I’m Chris and we’re SS Torched Feces Finish!

Chris : Hello Cleveland!

Klaus: This first song is called The Queen Poops Too!

Rudy: And song number two:

Chris: Hahaha! Shi&&y song.

Klaus: And the bonus track: Blacksmith Screw!

Rudy: Out now in Cleveland only!

Chris: Let’s go on tour!

Editor’s note: Jamie Schwarz has been working on his kitchen, so we’ve had a small hiatus from our Chair Chats. We were a bit worried that he’d gotten his Bratwurst stuck in the InSinkErator or that he died from tendinitis while chamfering his maple counter tops with an old Roman block plane. Luckily he is doing well and we all recently reunited to discuss two Norwegian chairs for a change. As always, Chair Chats are rated PG13-1/2. So if you are sensitive to language or discussions about wombat scat, please do not click below.

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