Category: Chair Chat

Editor’s note: Due to extensive work on “The Stick Chair Book,” it’s been a little while since we published a chair chat, today we are back with a Swedish chair assembled with Fish Glue and primitive IKEA joints. Salty language about pizza, electrocuted meatballs and potatoes will follow so be warned. For those who are easily offended, here is a video with a dog on a plane instead.

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Editor’s note: Here at Chair Chat Headquarters, we love wonky chairs. In fact, the weirder the better. So even though we might say the chair’s finish looks like it came out of someone’s butt, we honestly wish we could go to the store and buy a can of McSharty’s Brown Chair Wax.

As always, Chair Chats are not for the sensitive. Do not read this aloud at your local day care center or at your prayer breakfast. That never goes well (sorry, Rev. Mauze).

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Rudy: Do we still have time for another chair?

Rudy: The torched hedge chair.

Klaus: That looks VERY torched.

Rudy: From Far West Kentucky.

Chris: So far east that it’s west. This one screams “messed with.”

Klaus: So west it’s east and then west again.

Rudy: And I love the way it looks. So it is probably a fake.

Chris: I know. I am so jaded. Same thing. If it sucks, it’s real. If it’s nice, it’s fake.

Klaus: The hands are very nice on this one. Uncommon.

Chris: I’ve not seen hands like that.

Klaus: Through tenons on the crest. Nice.

Rudy: And look at that tenon that bulges out of the arm. It says “Look, I am really old!”

Klaus: Yeah, that’s a fat tenon for that arm. It’s putting on a fake limp. Making its voice sound so old and weary.

Chris: The arm has fallen. I think it might be legit.

Klaus: We’re so cynical.

Chris: I had this problem on my prototype. If the arm falls at the back, it will eventually come down at the front.

Rudy: True, the long sticks don’t swell enough under the arm to really support it.

Chris: That is what I fought with. It’s a tricky detail with these chairs.

Klaus: That’s interesting.

Rudy: The crest looks steam bent. I thought the Irish vernacular chairs only rarely used steam bending?

Chris: The crest could be cut from solid. That’s very common in Irish chairs.

Klaus: It has the same kind of legs as the one from our last chair chat. Chunky, almost square, and a crude tenon that almost looks like it’s whittled.

Chris: For me the most unusual part of this chair is the arm shape. I’ve not seen one like it.

Rudy: The arms sure are a funny shape. Not entirely unlike Irish arms. But then odd.

Rudy: With all that wear, I find it funny to still see a chamfer under all those years of paint. I would imagine it would have been rounded off by now?

Chris: It could be a stripping gone awry. The chamfer on the top of the seat is a bit unusual. And the angle at the back of the arms too.

Klaus: But a nice detail.

Chris: I like it. You see it more on modern chairs.

Rudy: the chamfer is just so visible and constant. Weird.

Chris: Agree.

Klaus: There’s something timeless about this chair. I love it.

Rudy: Almost no splay, just some rake.

Chris: Also unusual: The seat shape. Square at the front. Rounded corners at the back.

Rudy: You’re right, I didn’t see that. Most of these have square corners all around?

Chris: Or rounded all around. Just a lot of little oddities on this one.

Klaus: Is that front left mortise hollow?

Rudy: It sure looks like it. Perhaps the leg came loose

Chris: I suspect the leg was repaired.

Klaus: They inserted a new one, you think?

Chris: Leg came out. They stuffed cloth in there and couldn’t get it seated all the way. Very common repair and very common problem.

Klaus: I need to get my copy of Claudia Kinmonth’s book…It’s been stuck in the mail for a month.

Chris: I think a Chair Chat with Claudia Kinmonth would…get us thrown in chair jail.

Rudy: Haha. She would be interesting to talk to!

Klaus: Haha.

Rudy: Why would they not remove the cloth to make the leg fit? And did they wedge the leg in or did they just leave it in there loose?

Klaus: You mean they stuffed cloth in when they hammered in the legs in the first place? I’m not following.

Chris: To tighten a leg they would wrap some cloth around the tenon and add some glue. Then pound it it. Once it’s in, it ain’t coming out. So you only get one shot until the leg comes loose again. The cloth is the repair.

Klaus: Ah.

Rudy: I see. Have you tried that kind of repair yourself too?

Chris: I haven’t tried it. But you see it a LOT on old chairs. There were five or six at St Fagans that had this sort of repair. Like the chair went to the loo and still had some toilet paper stuck to its tenon.

Rudy: That is very interesting.

Klaus: Cool. I’ll look out for it. Never seen it.

Chris: Once you see it, you’ll see it a lot. Anyway, could be wrong. Maybe the chair took a COLD shower and it’s tiny tenon shrunk up.

Rudy: In freezing cold Ireland.

Klaus: I hear it’s cold in Far West Kentucky.

Rudy: Have you seen this type of repair with sticks, too, or only with legs?

Chris: I can’t recall seeing it on sticks. Most stick repairs are snapped sticks that get repaired with a branch or a bolt. Sticks don’t come loose too often.

Klaus: That outer left stick looks like a branch. Look at the tiny knot:

Rudy: I noticed that too! In line with West Irish Kentucky chairmaking traditions.

Klaus: Could be just a wonky shave.

Chris: Nice catch. Looks “stick-y.”

Klaus: Sure does. And it’s more organic looking than the others.

Rudy: Now that you have torched a chair Chris, does this finish look familiar?

Chris: A little. This one looks like they applied stripper and scraped it until it got like this. It doesn’t look like a naturally aged finish.

Klaus: It’s still a nice finish, though? I like it.

Chris: Sure! I like grungy finishes.

Rudy: New or old, east or west, real or fake, this view is a seller:

Chris: I wouldn’t kick this chair out of bed for eating crackers. But it has too many little “that’s odd” things about it that make me prefer the box chair from our previous chat.

Klaus: That’s a great stance. It’s got personality. What would this chair’s name be if it was an Irish person?

Chris: McWonky.

Klaus: First name Cracker. Cracker McWonky.

Chris: McWonky with the Broken Left Arm

Rudy: Cracker McWonky with the Broken Left Arm and the sticky stick.

Chris: That’s it!

Klaus: That’s the title right there.

Chris: Ole Knot in the Back.

Rudy: There is a pub in Dublin called “Y’ole Knot in the Back.” Probably.

Klaus: HAHA, I bet there is.

Chris: It’s also a term of endearment. “I’d like to fondle your ole knot in the back, lassie.” Or it’s the Irish G-spot?

Rudy: Man, your Irish is so good!

Klaus: I like it when ya tickle my ole knot, young lad!

Chris: That’s what the priests say.

Rudy: There are a lot of priests in Ireland.

Chris: And a lot of knotty wood. (Naughty wood).

Klaus: McKnotty wood.

Chris: I’d like to put my tenon in your knot hole. In your feathered crotch.

Rudy: Hahaha!

Klaus: Hahaha. You can’t say that on television.

Rudy: You can in Ireland, I think.

Chris: How about tongue in groove? The chair was made of Naughty Pine.

Rudy: With a butt joint.

Chris: Nailed that butt joint! And this is where Claudia calls the police.

Rudy: I found the info on the chair! Check it out:

True Early 19th Century Irish Antique Primitive Armchair

This is an honest, late Georgian Irish antique country armchair, not to be confused with the large amount of fakes around. This Irish primitive antique armchair is a good, large size, it features a thick elm seat, shaped arms and a comb back rest. In very good solid condition and in the original paint finish. A lovely sculptural looking country armchair that has four stick legs, again all honest and original. Dates from around 1800-20.

Dimensions
Height: 77cm (30.31″)
Width: 63cm (24.8″)
Depth: 47cm (18.5″)

Additional Information: The seat is 39cm high.

Rudy: Haha. They mention the word “fake.”

Klaus: Oh, so George made it…

Chris: “Not to be confused with the large amount of fakes around.” Truthy McGeorgie – all honest and original…”

Chris: …my ass.

Rudy: So at least it is not a fake. Whew!

Klaus: It says that the chair has a “comb back rest.” Nice. I was worried it didn’t.

Chris: Now we know.

Klaus: Yup. At least it’s a chair.

Rudy: And has four stick legs, again all honest and original.

Chris: Four legs – honest.

Chris: Thick seat – honest.

Chris: We should have read the description first. Then this would have been the shortest chair chat ever.

Klaus: The chat would be:
Nice chair. Could it be fake?
No.
OK.

Chris: Indeed what were we thinking!????

Chris: Finish – true and honest.

Rudy: Sticks – honest.

Klaus: George was an honest man.

Chris: And early.

Rudy: So, so early.

Chris: Honestly early

Klaus: Is the height honest, you think?

Rudy: The width definitely is.

Chris: What is NOT honest about this chair?

Rudy: The doubler.

Klaus: I’m honestly convinced that George did not make this chair. He hired a Male Paint Stripper™ to make it for him.

Rudy: An honest Male Paint Stripper™.

Chris: It would have been McGeorge if it were truly Irish.

Klaus: Exactly! Can’t fool us!

Rudy: Paddy McGeorge.

Klaus: We’re the Irish Fake Police.

Rudy: The Honest Irish Fake Police.

Klaus: Fake Police are the worst.

Chris: The most honest Irish chair maker in Tijuana.

Rudy: The very most honestest.

Chris: Truly.

Klaus: George also says the chair is sculptural.

Chris: False!

Klaus: I’m sure he’s talking about himself. The chair is not very sculptural.

Chris: Unless a cardboard box is sculptural.

Klaus: It’s as sculptural as the ladder I’ve got in my back yard. But I do like it! The chair, that is.

Chris: And the ladder?

Klaus: The ladder, too! We get along!

Rudy: Is it a true and honest ladder?

Klaus: It’s a very honest ladder.

Chris: OK, I gotta go. Gotta cook dinner.

Klaus: Honest dinner?

Chris: No, takeout pork tenderloin.

Rudy: Yum.

Klaus: See you later, Georgies.

Chris: Catch you liars later.

Rudy: Bye fakers.

This time we’re having an Irish themed Chair Chat. Chris talks about his DNA test that confirmed his part-Irish heritage. It also said he’s part Neanderthal. [Insert cheeky comment]. Like Chris, today’s chair victim is presumably Irish and vernacular. As always, we’re not sure of anything here. Not even our own sexual identities. We do however conclude that the chair has undergone a traditional Irish Beer Fart Finish™. As always, this chat is rated PG-13 and contains bearded men talking about finishing hard wood. If that offends you, please stop reading and call our Very Hot Line ™ for advice.

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Editor’s note: We present to you today an early chair made out of wood. It is brown and has four legs but there may be more to it. Read on if you would like to know more about early French chairs with back rests. As always, please do not read on if you are offended, intimidated, or otherwise bothered by pathetic immature toilet humor and early fart jokes.

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Rudy: OK, I’ve got another one. Perhaps you might not want to see this one. Here we go:

Klaus: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Chris: BWAHAHAHAHA

Rudy: It’s French.

Klaus: A pallet chair.

Chris: It’s like that chair made a ladder to escape itself.

Klaus: What the hell?!

Rudy: Staked meets ladderback.

Klaus : Staked meets pallet. The legs are SO wrong compared to the rest.

Rudy: And the rest is so wrong compared to every chair in the world.

Chris: More snakes-eating-a-big-rat shape. Just look at those legs.

Klaus: But are those chunky two-by-fours actually mortised into the seat? I mean the back posts?

Chris: The back is really interesting. The slats are notched into the back uprights.

Klaus: Yeah, that’s a nice detail. I wonder why he didn’t just nail the slats on with 4″-long nails.

Rudy: I have more pictures. Or shall we do the armchair?

Chris: This is good.

Klaus: Nah, this is great

Rudy: OK, on y va:

Rudy: The initials “PV” obviously stand for Penis Vagina.

Klaus: Or Pallet Vood

Chris: Somebody went to a LOT of work for very little benefit here.

Klaus: I don’t even know where to start.

Rudy: How about the wooden nails?

Klaus: I just noticed them.

Chris: This feels like something you would see on a movie set.

Klaus: Really, how?

Chris: No evidence of real wear. All the same color.

Klaus: Good point.

Chris: Lots and lots of work on something that is supposed to look primitive.

Rudy: DESCRIPTION: A primitive handmade ladderback Alpine chair in solid ash. France, early 1900s.
Dimension: H74cm (29-1/8″) x W51cm (20-1/16″) x D35cm (13-3/4″)
Color: brown
Materials: wood
Style: vintage

Klaus: Just the squareness of it all…makes it look so bad.

Chris: Or something you would see at a store that specialized in primitive furniture from third-world countries.

Rudy: Color: brown.

Klaus : Style vintage…nice.

Rudy: Material: wood.

Klaus: Oh, it’s made of wood!

Chris: Also: Is a chair. Really. We swears it.

Rudy: And it has legs!

Klaus: Well, that can be debated.

Chris: Legs: Number, four.

Rudy: Back rest: It has one.

Chris: I know I’m a suspicious lad, but this one smells. But I don’t know why anyone would fake this.

Klaus: Looks like the seat is rounded off at the corners with an axe.

Rudy: The maker really did his best with all the facets on the seat.

Chris: And then colored everything perfectly brown.

Klaus: It does look like it has never been sat in.

Chris: Or someone took a GIANT SHART on it. Once.

Klaus: After eating snails.

Chris: And then they put polyurethane on the shart.

Rudy: Like any good French person would do.

Chris: I think it’s something to fool the tourists.

Rudy: You may be right about that.

Klaus: It sure looks like someone decided to make a primitive-looking chair and didn’t do ANY research.

Rudy: That seat is mega thick.

Klaus: And made of material: wood.

Chris: Modern planer marks on the back edge.

Klaus: Hah! Good eye! Look at that! Or are they band saw marks?

Rudy: The wood also doesn’t look worn or aged at all.

Klaus: Nope.

Chris: Could be a band saw.

Rudy: Can you tell the brand by looking at that picture?

Klaus: It’s definitely not JB’s old Startrite.

Chris: Definitely Alpine.

Rudy: An Alpine band saw with a saw blade. And it runs on power.

Klaus: Yes, with a French opening.

Chris: Definitely an electric tool. Not a reciprocating saw.

Klaus: The maker is SO busted.

Chris: Another theory: This was made for a living-history museum.

Chris: Frenchie de la du Faker Chair™.

Rudy: Yes, and then it ended up with an antiques dealer who thought it was authentic.

Chris: Or went along with the ruse.

Klaus: Could be, but if I was the museum director, I would not pay the maker for this piece of crap. It doesn’t resemble anything.

Chris: Unless it was the Alpine Crap Museum. Ever been?

Rudy: Well, it does have a nice brown color. Le museum de la turdy.

Chris: Because it is at at the Crap Museum! Everything is brown at the Crap Museum!

Rudy: Exactly. Everything! And it smells in there!

Klaus: Been temped many times, but always ended up going to Champs Turdysees instead.

Chris: Hahaha, both of you.

Chris: I hope no one bought this chair. And I worry about the smell if used as firewood.

Chris: The Hot Fart Chair

Rudy: Ze’ot fart-chaire, as the French would say.

Rudy: £909 – nope, not sold.

Chris: Well there is a god.

Klaus: Hahaha…Is there anything more to add about this fart-smelling wood-material fake?

Chris: When they say “early 1900s” maybe early one day in the 1900s?

Chris: 8 a.m. on Dec. 31, 1999.

Klaus: Hahaha. That is funny

Rudy: Hahahaha!

Chris: Early, 1900s. It’s all about the comma.

Rudy: Early in the morning, sometime in the 1900s.

Chris: Yes. No one ever talks about that aspect of furniture.

Rudy: One brown morning, in the 1900s.

Chris: Hahaha.

Klaus: Good point. There are so many great chairs made after 4 p.m.

Chris: The late chairs.

Rudy: Late 2000s.

Klaus: Hahaha. Someone should make a timeless chair

Rudy: This chair is from the era of shut the f*ck up.

Chris: Early shut the f*ck up. To be specific.

Klaus: Get the f*ck up early and make a chair.

Rudy: Not the mid-shut the f*ck up. Those were horrible.

Klaus: I think this chair was f*cked up from the start.

Chris: From the early start.

Rudy: Do you think the maker started with the legs, seat or back first?

Klaus: Hey, it’s actually handmade, too, says the info. That is a lie. I think he started with the CNC. Or not.

Chris: CNC drawknife.

Rudy: CNC drawknife™

Chris: We need to invent CNC for froes, axes and drawknives.

Klaus: That could make you rich. Peter Galbert would love it.

Rudy: CNC milk paint.

Chris: CNC hide glue.

Rudy: Early CNC hide glue.

Klaus: That is the best.

Chris: From the morning cow.

Chris: OK, I take all back. This chair is real.

Klaus: Ze Chaiur.

Rudy: The chair is real because it says so on the Internet. Everything on the Internet is true.

Klaus: The maker probably had three cloves of garlic up his a$$ while making it.

Chris: De bonne heure chair.

Klaus: I don’t know what that means

Chris : De bonne heure marron.

Klaus: All I know in French is au revoir.

Chris: Early Brown.

Rudy: Hence the brown color.

Chris: And the earliness! So, so early.

Rudy: So early it can almost not get any earlier.

Chris: So early it is almost late.

Rudy: But hey, the maker fooled us with his wooden nails – not a pocket screw in sight. Clever guy.

Klaus: Haha. Good point. A good chairmaker hides his pocket screws. Right?

Chris: They are under the wooden plugs

Rudy: Says the expert.

Chris: I have no shame about that!

Rudy: None needed!

Klaus: You should not!

Rudy: I use pocket screws in almost all of my carvings. And cover them with wooden plugs. No shame.

Chris: I’m not going for the East Wales vibe.

Klaus: That pocket-screw trick with the three-piece arm is one of my favorite chairmaking tricks!

Chris: Thanks. Better than a JB dowel.

Rudy: You mean you think it’s authentic?

Chris: Early authentic.

Rudy: Right. De bonne heure authentique.

Chris: Oui, mon petite chou chou.

Klaus: Early authentic is better than this mid-day fake chair.

Rudy: Early authentic is actually a great way to describe this chair.

Chris: Sounds like marketing speak.

Rudy: The seat has some nice cracks.

Chris: Nice cracks to hold the nice brown.

Klaus: So, a name for this one? Many to choose from.

Chris: Yeah. Who ever edits this one can choose the name.

Rudy: Something with “early” perhaps?

Chris: And “brown.”

Klaus: I bet the back posts are screwed into the seat. The whole chair is screwed, in fact.

Chris: The buyer is especially screwed

Klaus: Haha.

Rudy: Haha.

Chris: OK, I gotta help Lucy unload the groceries. So I’m gonna sign off. She has beer. BYE!

Klaus: Au revoir.

Rudy: Bye!

Editor’s note: Where does the king keep his armies? Up his sleevies.

The maker of this chair had his own ideas about arm orientation. Read on if you want to find out more about this peculiar chair that was undoubtedly inspired by the works of well known Dutch author Charles Dikkens.

Please note: If you are scared of mentions of feces, fornication jokes or rectal tenons, please close your computer now and wait around for the next blog post about Bean the Shop Cat sleeping on a sheepskin after a good meal.

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