Editor’s note: We present to you today an early chair made out of wood. It is brown and has four legs but there may be more to it. Read on if you would like to know more about early French chairs with back rests. As always, please do not read on if you are offended, intimidated, or otherwise bothered by pathetic immature toilet humor and early fart jokes.
Rudy: OK, I’ve got another one. Perhaps you might not want to see this one. Here we go:
Rudy: It’s French.
Klaus: A pallet chair.
Chris: It’s like that chair made a ladder to escape itself.
Klaus: What the hell?!
Rudy: Staked meets ladderback.
Klaus : Staked meets pallet. The legs are SO wrong compared to the rest.
Rudy: And the rest is so wrong compared to every chair in the world.
Chris: More snakes-eating-a-big-rat shape. Just look at those legs.
Klaus: But are those chunky two-by-fours actually mortised into the seat? I mean the back posts?
Chris: The back is really interesting. The slats are notched into the back uprights.
Klaus: Yeah, that’s a nice detail. I wonder why he didn’t just nail the slats on with 4″-long nails.
Rudy: I have more pictures. Or shall we do the armchair?
Chris: This is good.
Klaus: Nah, this is great
Rudy: OK, on y va:
Rudy: The initials “PV” obviously stand for Penis Vagina.
Klaus: Or Pallet Vood
Chris: Somebody went to a LOT of work for very little benefit here.
Klaus: I don’t even know where to start.
Rudy: How about the wooden nails?
Klaus: I just noticed them.
Chris: This feels like something you would see on a movie set.
Klaus: Really, how?
Chris: No evidence of real wear. All the same color.
Klaus: Good point.
Chris: Lots and lots of work on something that is supposed to look primitive.
Rudy: DESCRIPTION: A primitive handmade ladderback Alpine chair in solid ash. France, early 1900s.
Dimension: H74cm (29-1/8″) x W51cm (20-1/16″) x D35cm (13-3/4″)
Klaus: Just the squareness of it all…makes it look so bad.
Chris: Or something you would see at a store that specialized in primitive furniture from third-world countries.
Rudy: Color: brown.
Klaus : Style vintage…nice.
Rudy: Material: wood.
Klaus: Oh, it’s made of wood!
Chris: Also: Is a chair. Really. We swears it.
Rudy: And it has legs!
Klaus: Well, that can be debated.
Chris: Legs: Number, four.
Rudy: Back rest: It has one.
Chris: I know I’m a suspicious lad, but this one smells. But I don’t know why anyone would fake this.
Klaus: Looks like the seat is rounded off at the corners with an axe.
Rudy: The maker really did his best with all the facets on the seat.
Chris: And then colored everything perfectly brown.
Klaus: It does look like it has never been sat in.
Chris: Or someone took a GIANT SHART on it. Once.
Klaus: After eating snails.
Chris: And then they put polyurethane on the shart.
Rudy: Like any good French person would do.
Chris: I think it’s something to fool the tourists.
Rudy: You may be right about that.
Klaus: It sure looks like someone decided to make a primitive-looking chair and didn’t do ANY research.
Rudy: That seat is mega thick.
Klaus: And made of material: wood.
Chris: Modern planer marks on the back edge.
Klaus: Hah! Good eye! Look at that! Or are they band saw marks?
Rudy: The wood also doesn’t look worn or aged at all.
Chris: Could be a band saw.
Rudy: Can you tell the brand by looking at that picture?
Klaus: It’s definitely not JB’s old Startrite.
Chris: Definitely Alpine.
Rudy: An Alpine band saw with a saw blade. And it runs on power.
Klaus: Yes, with a French opening.
Chris: Definitely an electric tool. Not a reciprocating saw.
Klaus: The maker is SO busted.
Chris: Another theory: This was made for a living-history museum.
Chris: Frenchie de la du Faker Chair™.
Rudy: Yes, and then it ended up with an antiques dealer who thought it was authentic.
Chris: Or went along with the ruse.
Klaus: Could be, but if I was the museum director, I would not pay the maker for this piece of crap. It doesn’t resemble anything.
Chris: Unless it was the Alpine Crap Museum. Ever been?
Rudy: Well, it does have a nice brown color. Le museum de la turdy.
Chris: Because it is at at the Crap Museum! Everything is brown at the Crap Museum!
Rudy: Exactly. Everything! And it smells in there!
Klaus: Been temped many times, but always ended up going to Champs Turdysees instead.
Chris: Hahaha, both of you.
Chris: I hope no one bought this chair. And I worry about the smell if used as firewood.
Chris: The Hot Fart Chair
Rudy: Ze’ot fart-chaire, as the French would say.
Rudy: £909 – nope, not sold.
Chris: Well there is a god.
Klaus: Hahaha…Is there anything more to add about this fart-smelling wood-material fake?
Chris: When they say “early 1900s” maybe early one day in the 1900s?
Chris: 8 a.m. on Dec. 31, 1999.
Klaus: Hahaha. That is funny
Chris: Early, 1900s. It’s all about the comma.
Rudy: Early in the morning, sometime in the 1900s.
Chris: Yes. No one ever talks about that aspect of furniture.
Rudy: One brown morning, in the 1900s.
Klaus: Good point. There are so many great chairs made after 4 p.m.
Chris: The late chairs.
Rudy: Late 2000s.
Klaus: Hahaha. Someone should make a timeless chair
Rudy: This chair is from the era of shut the f*ck up.
Chris: Early shut the f*ck up. To be specific.
Klaus: Get the f*ck up early and make a chair.
Rudy: Not the mid-shut the f*ck up. Those were horrible.
Klaus: I think this chair was f*cked up from the start.
Chris: From the early start.
Rudy: Do you think the maker started with the legs, seat or back first?
Klaus: Hey, it’s actually handmade, too, says the info. That is a lie. I think he started with the CNC. Or not.
Chris: CNC drawknife.
Rudy: CNC drawknife™
Chris: We need to invent CNC for froes, axes and drawknives.
Klaus: That could make you rich. Peter Galbert would love it.
Rudy: CNC milk paint.
Chris: CNC hide glue.
Rudy: Early CNC hide glue.
Klaus: That is the best.
Chris: From the morning cow.
Chris: OK, I take all back. This chair is real.
Klaus: Ze Chaiur.
Rudy: The chair is real because it says so on the Internet. Everything on the Internet is true.
Klaus: The maker probably had three cloves of garlic up his a$$ while making it.
Chris: De bonne heure chair.
Klaus: I don’t know what that means
Chris : De bonne heure marron.
Klaus: All I know in French is au revoir.
Chris: Early Brown.
Rudy: Hence the brown color.
Chris: And the earliness! So, so early.
Rudy: So early it can almost not get any earlier.
Chris: So early it is almost late.
Rudy: But hey, the maker fooled us with his wooden nails – not a pocket screw in sight. Clever guy.
Klaus: Haha. Good point. A good chairmaker hides his pocket screws. Right?
Chris: They are under the wooden plugs
Rudy: Says the expert.
Chris: I have no shame about that!
Rudy: None needed!
Klaus: You should not!
Rudy: I use pocket screws in almost all of my carvings. And cover them with wooden plugs. No shame.
Chris: I’m not going for the East Wales vibe.
Klaus: That pocket-screw trick with the three-piece arm is one of my favorite chairmaking tricks!
Chris: Thanks. Better than a JB dowel.
Rudy: You mean you think it’s authentic?
Chris: Early authentic.
Rudy: Right. De bonne heure authentique.
Chris: Oui, mon petite chou chou.
Klaus: Early authentic is better than this mid-day fake chair.
Rudy: Early authentic is actually a great way to describe this chair.
Chris: Sounds like marketing speak.
Rudy: The seat has some nice cracks.
Chris: Nice cracks to hold the nice brown.
Klaus: So, a name for this one? Many to choose from.
Chris: Yeah. Who ever edits this one can choose the name.
Rudy: Something with “early” perhaps?
Chris: And “brown.”
Klaus: I bet the back posts are screwed into the seat. The whole chair is screwed, in fact.
Chris: The buyer is especially screwed
Chris: OK, I gotta help Lucy unload the groceries. So I’m gonna sign off. She has beer. BYE!
Klaus: Au revoir.