the extreme financial pressures of the pandemic unprecedented demand from readers, we have decided to offer naming rights to several of the valuable components of our business. With one small payment, you can put your product or service front and center with dozens and dozens of Lost Art Press visitors every year.
Here are a few of the opportunities available.
The Lost Art Press Sanitary Room
Until now, we have called our bathroom the “Klaus Skrudland Memorial Sh*$-a-teria.” But seeing as Klaus is not dead, we have decided to offer up naming rights to this essential visitor area in the Lost Art Press headquarters.
What you get: Your company’s name or logo hand-painted on the frosted glass window of our bathroom. Plus, whenever someone in the building says they have to “go to the bathroom,” we will instead say, “I have to go to the Paycor Room to Make a Convenient Paycheck Deduction” (just an example).
What your donation pays for: Hand soap that Megan is not allergic to. New batteries for Mr. Chirpy, our electronic parrot.
Lost Art Press Kitchen
Every visitor compliments our tidy kitchen, and woodworking students spend their mornings and afternoons here with coffee and pastries. Currently we have our Lost Art Press logo painted on the floor. But if you are the winning bidder….
What you get: Your company’s name or logo hand-painted on the concrete floor. Plus, any time we offer coffee to visitors we will say, “Would you like a cup of Hot Synergy from our altafiber chamber?”
What your donation pays for: Lots of coffee. Chris’s toothpick collection.
The Electric Horse Garage
Yes, you can name the entire Lost Art Press machine room.
What you get: Your company’s name or logo hand-painted on the shop door. Plus, any time we turn on a machine, we will say, “That’s the feeling of power you get from a Dr. Shoal’s Corn Scraper” (again, just an example).
What your donation pays for: New carbide inserts for our jointer. Safety Police jumpsuits.
The Shop Cat
Bean eats a lot. And so we have decided to offer naming rights to this feline three-legged ambassador. Almost every visitor to our shop is greeted by a sniff from this friendly guy.
What you get: We will shave your logo into his substantial side meat. Also, people say the cat’s name hundreds of times a day. Imagine the brand burnishing that will occur every time we say “Stop licking your butt, Mr. Vlasic Kosher Dill Gherkins!” Or when people get their photo taken with the cat and use the hashtag #SummersEvePuss.
What your donation pays for: New keys to the cellar. A vegetable plate at Christmas.
Let the bidding begin!
— Christopher Schwarz
64 thoughts on “Naming Rights up for Bids at Lost Art Press”
I bid 3.50 for naming rights to bean.
Can I pay in toothpicks
Raw, unspoiled by the grubby paws of man. In fact, here’s a log. That’s at least 11 toothpicks.
Would you consider naming rights to individual machines? “Wow, that dust collector really sucks.” “Yeah, that’s John alright.”
On behalf of Instagram, I bid $5 on the washroom.
Like many an Onion article, I know that this is satire but I desperately want it to be true.
I would like some of the brewski brand you imbibed last night, Humor Hops Hefe-Weissbier ?
Thanks, I enjoyed my morning wake-up with your funny new venture.
As a corporation this sort of marketing promotion is exactly the sort of thing we at Tools for Working Wood look for. So of course the head office is interested. A couple of questions: Will our name “Tools For Working Wood” fit on the side of Mr. Bean? Will he sit still long enough for you to add the entire logo and of course refresh it during the course of the promotional period? If not the machine room is another exciting branding option but we are worried that OSHA will find having to repeat our sponsor name “Tools for Working Wood” every time you mention a power tool might be a safety issue. (I have asked legal to look into it). If not what other exciting marketing opportunities can you offer us?
If he puts your corporate name on the machine room door, those unaware of TFWW will see it and say “No kidding. Duh.”
I’m thinking maybe something a bit less prominent and frankly cheaper (keeping with the LP theme). Perhaps just a nut on a machine… my spouse thinks I either have too many or am lacking some… I’m a bit unsure of which and maybe a bolt . That could be nice -. A nut and a bolt and – what the hell throw in the washer.
In the spirit of true influencing, I will allow you to shave my #name on the side of your cat for one free dinner per letter
Chris you have to cut back on the alcohol before you decide to post, lol 😝
A thousand quatloos on the new loo!
2000 quatloos on the newcomer.
I’m going to have to see a picture of Mr. Chirpy before I can bid in earnest.
….can we bid to change his name to Earnest? Then when a student can’t find something you can ask if they have really looked in earnest, and then direct them to check the cloaca of the former Mr. Chirpy
Bean looks rather terrified at the mention of being shaved. Would the ASPCA approve of something simple like an ampersand? Maybe just a “!”.
The Electric Horse Garage should be The Power Cave.
I came here for the comments.
Benchcrafted should sponsor the toilet. “Im going to spin a wheel” or “I gotta turn a screw” or “I’m off to clamp my board” can be code for you know that.
I gotta go pinch one…..
imo it’s a perfect opportunity for the Cleveland Browns. then they would get go to the super bowl daily (hourly during class weeks).
I would pay anything to have the lavatory named the chair talk room… Literally noone could complain about the fart and poop jokes then…
I apologize for being serious. It doesn’t happen often. But you might put Nancy’s name on something.
We have people working on that. Right now there is a proposal for a lecture series with Nancy’s name on it. However, I know she would cackle wildly if we named the toilet after her.
The best cackle ever!
As long as she’s not staring at me when I sit down.
Oh she will above you staring down.
“#SummersEvePuss” I am howling
I have it on good authority that the World Wide Manufactured Wood Association is looking heavily into this. Word is they are quite upset that their products aren’t featured at LAP as often as they would like. Renaming the bathroom “The Particle Board Room” should remedy this. They do however wish to honor another product as well, but don’t have the funds. Therefore they kindly ask you that when stating that you need to use the facilities that you exclaim ” I have to Orient some Strands in the Particle Board Room”
Thanks for making me laugh.
I love it! (do I see an underlying message here?)😉
Thanks to you Chris and all other contributors for making my morning bright even before coffee!
My desk could be sponsored by Rumpke
I had to look up Rumpke.
Someone has been getting solicitations from his or her alma mater :-). Since you also teach classes, you need to setup the LAP School as a non-profit, have the Board hire you as Chancellor, and have Meghan hired as Athletic Director. (Sorry Chris, as the AD Meghan’s salary will be a minimum of 3x’s your compensation as Chancellor). Then you can start solicitations in earnest, not just for naming rights, but for the capital campaign to build a climbing wall and a lazy river in the patio so that the students can relax and unwind between classes.
This could get fun in the comments.
Welcome to the jungle
Brought to you by Stop the Saw.
Works on the machine room door quite nicely.
Thanks for giving me a “morning smile” named for a long ago coworker, who normally on the first encounter of the day would ask, “are you ready for your morning smile?” In his his heavy Canadian accent. Often it brought an outburst of laughter. To this he would respond, “pretty good aye?” RIP, Andy,your “morning smiles” are missed by many.
This is funny as only you can be. Don’t lose your sense of humor and continue this fresh commentary. It’s wonderful.
Amazon.com has now bought all Lost Art Press naming rights. From now on, please refer to the Amazon Memorial Bathroom™ and the Amazon Prime Machine Room™.
Bezos the Amazon Shop Cat™ (formerly Bean) will have that weird Amazon arrow thingie logo shaved on his side meat.
Sorry but their price was just right!
I will donate a truckload of toothpick wood for the guarantee that my name (in full) be engraved on each and every toothpick.
I will send you a hand full of business cards and you can glue them in hidden places for people to find. I will pay you handsomely for your efforts, like a couple of my Christmas spatulas.
Speaking of Nancy why not build a set respectable bookshelves and name the library in her honor?
Not to impugn the quality of or the builder of the existing bookshelves……
Things must be really slow. I have a chair that I want to ship to my grandson. A blog on how you build a shipping crate and arrange shipping would be very helpful.
We have done that: https://blog.lostartpress.com/2018/09/17/one-way-to-build-a-crate/
And we ship via YRC or Old Dominion.
Are you aware that Elon bid $47B for the right to have his name printed on every sheet of your toilet paper rolls, then retracted his bid seven minutes later claiming misrepresentation of the number of bots in your post’s comments section. Haul his sorry -ss into court!
Perhaps they could print his face on the toilet paper.
I’ll take the bathroom! I have an idea for a hot dog luge restaurant concept I am trying to get off the ground.
Lucy, Bean, Meagan,
It may be time for an intervention.
The washroom needs to be the Crucibowl with a pair of holdfasts as the logo. Other Crucible tools can be used as decoration on the walls.
And a bucket of shavings where the TP holder goes.
I’ll bid $5 to name Mr. Bean … ‘Lap’. (I’m sorry but someone had to say it.)
What do cats and strippers have in common? They’ll both sit on your lap, but won’t let you touch them.
The FJ&J Empirical Porcelain Throne Room. Yes that spelling. I’ll give $500
I’ll bid $13.88 for the bathroom to be named:
“The NEW Irwin Speedbor Bathroom.
‘Now with just the tip!'”
just wish I had a business.
14€ + taxes to name The Lost Art Press Sanitary Room = Tweetter Room Because every time you go there you send out a Tweet
$5/year to name the sh*tter for “Graham’s Lip Balm and Hemorrhoid Creme”.
If the bathroom isn’t taken yet I hope Rockler gets it….I don’t work for them but I swear by thier Bench Cookie Urinal Cakes.
That’s a good use for them!
Hi Chris what about reselling your name? I would be ok to pay you to say I did one of your furniture 😜
I’ll do $25 on the bathroom just because I want someone to label theirs “The Chitty Crapper”
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