In our 21st Chair Chat™ with Klaus Skrudland and Rudy Everts, we discuss a primitive stick chair that looks so uncomfortable it would best be used to interrogate spies. As usual, the language is on the salty side. Then again, a chair like this needs a rich vocabulary to be discussed properly. As always, if this kind of entertainment does not suit you, maybe you’ll like this endless horse better.
Chris: OK, bring out the chair!
Klaus: OK, I’ll find it. Hang on.
Klaus: Chair, chair, chair. Hair, hair, hair.
Klaus: I just wanted to say hair, since it rhymed with chair.
Rudy: That’s fair.
Klaus: I’m eating a pear.
Chris: I’ve got a pair.
Klaus: Bring ’em here. Before I despair.
Klaus: Aaaanyway…was it this one we wanted to talk about?
Rudy: I think so. It looks like a chair. Kinda.
Klaus: Yah. I’m not sure if this qualifies as a chair. Anyway, here’s the info from the dealer:
“Slightly wild, incredibly primitive Welsh stick chair. Yew and elm-wood. Various adaptations, most notably the extra slab seat presumably used to repair the existing seat. Wonderful look and feel. Originating from the Heads of the Valley, Wales, 19th century. Dimensions: 51cm x 93cm x 45cm. SOLD.”
Klaus: Slightly wild, they say.
Rudy: That is what I call wonky with a capital W and a capital ONKY.
Chris: I think the most worrisome thing about is that SOMEONE BOUGHT IT.
Rudy: It’s SOLD!
Chris: I think everyone who has owned this chair became a cripple. Then died. There should be a government warning label on it.
Rudy: Unless they already had an inverted back.
Chris: I think the chair must have been made by a chiropractor: Here kind patient, sit in this. And you will need my help forever!
Klaus: The Welsh Chiropractor Chair™. Only spineless people can find comfort in it.
Rudy: So, how far back does the back rest lean? Hmmm, about -10°!
Klaus: Minus 5°, I’d say. This is a chair made for discomfort!
Klaus: And it looks drunk from this angle:
Chris: It’s definitely drunk.
Klaus: Or maybe it’s dancing?
Rudy: It is dancing the dance of death!
Rudy: What I find funny about this chair is that the maker had a hard time aligning his or her parts properly – then yet they were somehow able to make very passable stretchers.
Klaus: Agree. That’s weird. It’s like they made some decent stretchers and then just gave up on the rest.
Chris: Can someone explain what is going on below the seat? It has two layers?
Rudy: It is a Seat Doubler™.
Klaus: The dealer says it’s a repair. If so, it’s a lazy one! I mean, it’s like just gluing a new car on top of a wrecked car to “fix” it.
Rudy: Is the new seat glued to the underside of the old seat? I can’t see any nails.
Klaus: Hard to see. There are some holes there.
Chris: It looks like the chair has a colostomy bag hanging on its belly.
Klaus: Haha! Well, something has for sure gone wrong with the primary seat.
Chris: Yes. It was probably TOO comfortable.
Rudy: Very funny with that big back splat, too.
Klaus: The huge splat and that upright back is just completely weird.
Chris: If anyone has died from a non-electric chair, it’s this one
Klaus: Haha! Yeah, you could really torture people in this. They should buy it for Guantanamo:
“If you don’t tell me about that submarine, we’ll make you sit in the Welsh Chiropractor Chair™ for three days!!“
Rudy: No no no, that is worse than waterboarding!
Chris: Noooooo! Not Chair Splatting™!
Chris: DEAR GOD, NOT THE SPLAT!
Klaus: Oh nooo, my back!!
Rudy: Anything! Not the splatting!
Klaus: Oh no, feed me to the alligators instead!
Chris: Cut my wiener off and feed it to me. Anything but THE SPLAT!
Klaus: I’ll sit in Windsor instead! Anything but the splat!
Chris: Haha! Please Fanback me instead! Sackback my head!
Klaus: Stretch me on the Birdcage! Anything!
Chris: BUT NOT THE SPLAAAT!
Chris: But seriously, who bought this dung pile?
Klaus: A Welsh Chiropractor who works in Guantanamo?
Rudy: Maybe it was really cheap?
Chris: Maybe it was ISIS?
Klaus: Maybe Bin Laden used to own it. The Welsh Bin Laden Chair™?
Chris: The only way I’d buy it would be to burn it.
Rudy: More importantly – do you think they are sitting in the chair right now?
Klaus: If so, they’re probably dead by now.
Chris: Maybe Galen Cranz bought it. And then wrote her book.
(Editor’s note: Galen Cranz is the author of the book “The Chair,” in which she argues that chairs are basically horrible for the human body.)
Rudy: Hahaha. Such a source of inspiration, this chair.
Klaus: Well, is there anything good about this chair?
Rudy: Yeah. It is Chair-Chat worthy.
Klaus: Good point. And it’s made out of wood.
Chris: The stretchers look like they’re made of wood, too.
Klaus: The dealer’s info says that the chair is “incredibly primitive.” I don’t agree. It’s just incredibly ugly.
Rudy: That is offensive to primitive chairs, agree.
Chris: I think it’s incredibly still together.
Klaus: It’s incredibly called a chair.
Chris: The primitives wanna have a word with his chair.
Klaus: Indeed. The other primitive chairs would be so offended by this wombat-looking creature. Just look at that stance.
Rudy: I like how the short sticks look like pinched off turds, though.
Chris: That seems to be a common problem with these ugly chairs. I made some sticks like this until I figured out how to make them not look like turds.
Klaus: If my kids came home from woodworking class with this chair, I would tell them to go sleep somewhere else.
Chris: Your kids’ chairs would have looked better. But really, my sticks were comical! I’ll show you guys next time you visit.
Klaus: You still have those chairs?
Chris: Oh yes.
Rudy: I look forward to seeing them.
Klaus: I’ll bring matches.
Chris: If I can make a decent chair, there’s hope for everyone. Because my chairs were not looking good at first!
Klaus: Is the arm a branch?
Rudy: I was just going to ask the same.
Chris: A branch that got pillaged by a beaver.
Klaus: A branch that was first pillaged by a beaver, then eaten by a moose.
Rudy: And then molested by a primitive chairmaker.
Chris: And then pooped out, picked up by a bald eagle and dropped in Wales. Where a blind woodworker found it.
Klaus: And then nailed on a splat.
Chris: Plausible. Totally.
Klaus: And then the whole shebang ended up in an antique store, and sold for too much money.
Chris: And here we are, making it famous!
Rudy: Do we know the price it sold for?
Rudy: I’m guessing around 62 GBP.
Klaus: I’m guessing one rusty nail and a parrot’s turd. That’s what I would pay.
Chris: Still too much.
Rudy: How much are parrot turds these days on the black market?
Klaus: They are in high demand.
Rudy: The arm bends inward too. This chair is really one of the worst…
Klaus: Yes. Gotta love arms that pinch you in your side.
Chris: It’s trying to kill you – one way or the other.
Klaus: If you’re a chubby person and sit in this, you’ll never get out alive. They’ll have to burn the chair off you.
Chris: The shape of the splat…. what would you call it?
Klaus: A vase?
Chris: Throwing-up Snakey?
Klaus: Haha. That’s a good one.
Chris: Distended Colon?
Klaus: Snake who swallowed a possum?
Rudy: “My penis looks a little weird but I like it anyway”?
Klaus: LOL. Can I say LOL here, by the way?
Chris: Is LOL bad now?
Rudy: LOL! I mean, that’s what the splat looks like. I’m not talking abut my own… you know.
Klaus: Oh, good. Because for one second there I thought… I mean, if you have a weird penis, that’s alright, but…NEVERMIND!
Chris: I do like the color, though.
Klaus: Of Rudy’s…?
Chris: Of the chair. Not Rudy’s Johnson.
Klaus: Phew. LOL.