Lost Art Press

The Fancy Lads Return

Posted on by Lost Art Press

I posted this list on Twitter in a scattershot manner earlier. Some people (Lucy) complained that they somehow missed big parts of this list. So here you go.

You might be a wiener woodworker if:

  1. You call yourself a “master” woodworker without the documentation.
  2. You write and talk about yourself in the third person.
  3. You name simple jigs and processes after yourself.
  4. Wear a cape around town.
  5. You have used the words “epistemological” or “hegemony” when discussing woodworking.
  6. You name your finished pieces like Roman goddess + fancy verb + graduate thesis word + a number. This taco corral is titled: “Vester Remediates the Oligarchy No. 4”
  7. You demand that your apprentices brush your teeth.
  8. You relish every chance to talk about the difference between “art” and “craft.”
  9. You have more T-shirts in your web store than furniture pieces.
  10. Your “formal apprenticeship“ was a weekend pen-turning class.
  11. “Old-world craftsmanship“ is just the nickname of your narrow-crown stapler.
  12. The only two things you’ve ordered from Rockler are hairpin legs and pourable epoxy.
  13. You own more beard wax than beeswax.
  14. “Every piece is built one at a time” because, well, you’ve only built one piece so far.
  15. Your clients (mom and aunt Hazel) come from all over the globe (Paris, Kentucky, and Rome, Georgia).
  16. There are honest-to-God un-ironic jars of glitter in your shop.
  17. Your business card features two of these terms: bespoke, artisanal, handmade, crafted, maker, “and wedding DJ.”
  18. Your headshot on your website features more naked skin than flannel.
  19. You have more tattoos than router bits.
  20. Your workshop has a logo but no insurance.

— Christopher Schwarz

48 thoughts on “The Fancy Lads Return”

  2. 20 years ago, my “first 100 free” business card stated:

    “Problem’s solved. All things considered.”

    Surprisingly most of the jobs I took were for woodworking.

  4. Haha! I grew up some in Rome, Georgia. My parents and other family members still live there. I, however, decided to move to a more refined part of the world, so I moved to Oxford………. Oxford, PA that is 🙂

    1. Ever been to Oxford, MS (home of University of Mississippi)? I have, but that’s a long story.

  5. Haha! I grew up some in Rome, Georgia. My parents and other family members still live there. I, however, decided to move to a more refined part of the world, so I moved to Oxford………. Oxford, PA that is 🙂

  6. The wiener woodworker I like that, has promises for Instagram account and a sticker.

  8. A great list for the pretentious woodworker. Now I’ll be better equipped to spot them.

  10. I have been to Paris Kentucky. Does that count. The dinner in the old grocery store is pretty good. I got a hall tree from the antique store with the french name. La Fritters or something like that.

  11. I am a proud Weiner Woodworker, but hopefully the only trait that qualifies me so is that I live in Vienna 😉

  12. You might also have a commission from cousin Pierre in ver sales (ky)

  13. But is all this cancelled out if one is wearing a used work shirt with someone else’s name on the embroidered patch? (And I think we can add two points if name is also misspelled! All toward amassing a thousand points, which can be exchanged for a used stub of a Lost Art Press workshop pencil.)

  14. As a professional philosopher, and a hobbyist woodworker, while I don’t think I have done 5, I have definitely talked about woodworking when teaching epistemology! That might make me a bit more of a wiener woodworker, but I think it makes me a cooler philosophy teacher.

    (Oh, and I do relish the opportunity to discuss the difference between art and craft… but again, I accept that I am a bit of a ‘fancy lad’ in this community).

    Fun list!

  15. Good so stickers are ok? And router bits as in ELECTRICAL router? Gasp, or did you mean router irons?

  17. Great list! And speaking of epistemology, I just read this tidbit in Rousseau this morning (he had disdain for the “high” artists as) “those important persons who are called artists rather than artisans, work solely for the idle and rich, and put an arbitrary price on their baubles.” It feels familiar.

  18. The difference between ‘art’ and ‘craft’ is that the latter has both a ‘c’ and an ‘f’ in it. Hope that clarifies things.

    Also, logo prominently features a handplane of some sort but the only hand-held tools you use come from the Festool catalog.

  19. Disagree with the tattoo one. I don’t use my router much at all and as such I have significantly more tattoos than router bits.

        1. For me it’s a tie. No ink, no router bits. Unless you count a real router, i.e. a router plane.
          How about a beard, do I need one of those? My wife really doesn’t like me growing a beard.

  23. If I may add:

    You call your place of work a ‘studio’.
    You often moan about lacking inspiration.
    You condescendingly explain that you “don’t make dust” since you “only use (vintage) hand tools”.
    You think it’s only fair that I use my machines to do your stock prep free of charge as a friendly gesture among fellow artisans.
    You wear ‘authentic heritage workers clothing’ bought online which just looks so ‘honest’ in your relentless social media posts where you humblebrag about all the right good causes.
    You do not need to make a living out of what you do. That is somehow taken care of behind the scenes.
    You would never stand shoulder to shoulder with me. That would be beneath you and take all the fun out of LARPing.

  24. It should be clarified once and for all exactly HOW MANY woodworking tips and tricks (and now including hacks) one must collect before being officially designated as an official Master of the trade, craft, skill, hobby, or whatever the hell it is. This is the ONLY solution to eliminating all the pretenders. How many is it, sir? We ask you once again.

  26. As Voltaire once said,
    “In the end, aren’t we all just weiners looking for our bun and relish.”

  29. Is seven out of 20 a passing score at FLU? Can I get a trophy for trying?

  32. Wow #20 – my situation is more extreme.

    Since moving at the end of last year my workshop, which has a logo, is packed away in containers and has never had insurance!

    At least I shut down its website

  33. OK, so I’m eavestropping on some Fancy Lad conversation a couple of weeks ago and I’m hearing this argument. One says “SharCOOtery” and the other insists it’s “SharSHOOtery”. So I figure it’s really “Chair Joinery” but I figure that entering the conversation would be Tom Foolery.

  39. What if you have more unfinished projects than you have router bits and tattoos does that count

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