Editor’s note: Jamie Schwarz has been working on his kitchen, so we’ve had a small hiatus from our Chair Chats. We were a bit worried that he’d gotten his Bratwurst stuck in the InSinkErator or that he died from tendinitis while chamfering his maple counter tops with an old Roman block plane. Luckily he is doing well and we all recently reunited to discuss two Norwegian chairs for a change. As always, Chair Chats are rated PG13-1/2. So if you are sensitive to language or discussions about wombat scat, please do not click below.
Klaus: So, Chris, you’ve been eating cat food for two months now. Good to finally have a kitchen again?
Rudy: So, did anyone bring a chair?
Chris: There it is! What do you know about the victim?
Klaus: It’s made from wood.
Klaus: It’s Norwegian. The info is scarce. It has been donated to a museum and it’s from 1953. The dimensions are: Seat width 19″, seat depth 16-1/2″, seat height 16″. That’s all I have.
Chris: Basically a square all around.
Rudy: Do you know who made it?
Klaus: Nope. It does have the initials H. H.
Rudy: Which obviously stands for Heil Hitler.
Klaus: Haha! You can’t say that!
Rudy: Is the right arm going up, ever so slightly? Because if it’s not, it’s definitely not a Hitler chair.
Klaus and Chris: Hahaha.
Chris: Well the arm is broken. Right next to the joint.
Rudy: Somebody leaned back a little to excitedly, perhaps?
Klaus: Probably some short grain here.
Chris: A total short-grain fracture. This happens at assembly with some chairs with short grain.
Rudy: The doubler isn’t very wide, which didn’t help either.
Chris: The doubler is also the crudest part of the chair. Like someone pooped on the arm and shaped it with a butter knife.
Klaus: Yup. Although the maker obviously took his time with all those facets.
Rudy: finding a piece of wood wide enough to accommodate a wide doubler can be challenging.
Chris: That’s a nice way of saying the maker didn’t know what trees looked like. You can’t skimp on your parts with chairs. It will always bite you in the end. Like it did here. A wider doubler would have covered the joint and perhaps helped.
Klaus: And it would have added some needed back comfort. This one here looks just uncomfortable. Unless Norwegians at that time had very narrow backs.
Chris: I know. I hesitate to say it because we haven’t sat in it. But it also looks awkward, especially the doubler.
Rudy: The doubler does NOT help the joint here at all, it ends before becoming useful.
Klaus: It looks like a wart.
Rudy: A wart with facets.
Chris: Facet Wart™
Rudy: Haha. Here come the trademarks again!
Klaus: Facet Wart™ Hitler Chair. Oh, wait, can I say that on television?
Rudy: Ah, come on, it’s over 75 years ago, can’t we make a joke about Hitler?
Chris: Haha. Crying over this one. Anyway, the seat is a nice piece of wood.
Rudy: Yes, about the seat. The maker used battens, but the legs do not go through them?
Chris: The back legs likely do — that’s my guess. Anyway, the spindles are odd. Especially the front ones. Really bloated.
Rudy: Did the maker turn them, do you think?
Chris: They definitely looked turned to me.
Rudy: The maker must have thought you have to do something special with the front spindles, so he made them fat.
Chris: Good thing there are so many of them. They are the only thing holding the arm together.
Klaus: Haha. Indeed.
Chris: Fatties up in front. That’s what they teach you in Chairmaker College. The spindles look like hot dogs. And the front ones look like hot dogs with a tumor. Or snakes that swallowed a beach ball. Like a gas station hot dog that is just about to pop.
Klaus: Haha. I don’t think they’re that bad?
Chris: But that’s not funny!
Chris: I’m sorry. Norwegian hot dogs are the best.
Klaus: I can assure you, they’re not. We put creamy shrimp salad on our hot dogs here.
Rudy: Fish dogs?
Chris: Dogfish dogs?
Klaus: Hotfish dogs.
Chris: WINNER! I would NOT eat a Hotfish Dog™.
Klaus: Oh, you would.
Rudy: The spindles do look like Hotfish Dogs™. And what’s with that relish finish on the chair?
Chris: It has that red pale color that says “sickness inside.”
Klaus: When you guys come to visit, we’ll go out for Hotfish Dogs™, Facet Turd Burgers™ and Crispy Hitler Wings™.
Chris: Eva Braun Brownies, too?
Rudy: Haha. Anyway, it looks like a bird took a crap on the front leg.
Chris: That’s just an aged finish.
Klaus: Like myself. An aged finish.
Chris: Birds are terrible wood finishers.
Rudy: Why did the maker not cut off the battens at the front? Did he not have a saw?
Klaus: He only had a lathe, I think. And a cheese plane, like a true Norwegian.
Chris: My guess: The seat shrank.
Rudy: That much?
Chris: If it was wet when he/she started. Absolutely. Or they aren’t held by the back legs and became dislodged.
Klaus: Sure, but why didn’t someone cut them off at a later stage?
Chris: And the legs are lifeless.
Klaus: Agreed. Totally dead!
Rudy: Typical turned legs.
Chris: They are dowels! Klaus, I feel so bad criticizing your country’s chair!!!
Klaus: Awww, Chris!
Chris: Next time we’ll tear apart an American chair.
Rudy: Well, Chris, you did say he used a nice piece of wood for the seat!
Chris: Yes. The seat is a nice shape. And I like the front edge.
Klaus: I thank you on behalf of The Norwegian Kingdom.
Chris: And I actually like the weird H-stretcher. But you can see the problem – all the wear on the front stretcher from feet. Usually the H is turned 90° so you can tuck your feet under the seat.
Klaus: Yes, I haven’t seen many chairs with this configuration.
Rudy: Me neither.
Chris: I’d like the chair better with a bigger doubler and some work on the front spindles.
Klaus: Yup. And something done with the legs.
Rudy: The back legs are so close together.
Chris: Like a possum’s eyes.
Rudy: Guys I found the poop chair we talked about. Shall I post it?
Klaus: Bring it, Rudy
Rudy: Holy crap.
Chris: Oh sh*t.
Rudy: With a square hole.
Chris: For square poops of course. It’s for wombats! They poop square.
Klaus: Oh sh*t, my legs went wonky.
Rudy: The whole chair is inviting though. Inviting to take a crap on.
Klaus: I just read a Donald Duck story by
Don Rosa Carl Barks where they go to this Inca village to find the square chicken that lays square eggs.
Chris: It’s a wombat I tell ya. Or maybe the poop goes in, get compacted and comes out square. Then you take out the square poo and build a house with the blocks.
Klaus: Wombats have square poop holes? How does it pinch it off like that?
Rudy: This chair comes from the Norwegian village Sqüareänus
Klaus: So the chair’s name? The Norwegian Square Pooping Wombat Chair™?
Chris: Trademark that thing! For the rest the chair is a mess.
Klaus: Yes, total haywire.
Chris: I think they used the poop to paint it, too.
Rudy: I wonder how it ended up like this..Was it after a particularly explosive diarrhea?
Chris: Too many Hotfish dogs™….
Chris: It looks like it’s seen a lot of repairs.
Klaus: And heavyset pooping Norwegians.
Rudy: I’m trying to figure out the construction. Are there two seats on top of each other?
Chris: INDEED. That bracing looks new.
Rudy: Yeah. no poop finish on those.
Klaus: Seems like there’s a batten coming out through that crack?
Rudy: There is definitely something coming out of a crack.
Chris: Hat tip to Rudy.
Klaus: The seat is glued from several boards.
Chris: Yup. I think the “second seat” is added to the front of the seat, on the underside.
Klaus: Square leg tenons. No wedges.
Chris: The fix-y board looks to shore up the crack by the front leg mortise.
Klaus: And those 45° stretchers there are also probably added later, as a crude attempt to support the seat add-on.
Chris: I would sooner poop in the woods than use a chair this rickety.
Klaus: I hate to say it, but I don’t even find this chair charming.
Chris: Few toilets are charmers.
Rudy: I do think the arm is pretty nice.
Klaus: Good point, Chris. I’ve actually never been charmed by a toilet. I was almost tempted to poop in a marble toilet once, because it was so nice, but I really didn’t have to go.
Chris: Even gold toilets are still toilets.
Klaus: That’s something Gandhi or Buddha could have said.
Rudy: As they were standing in raw sewage in the Ganges river.
Rudy: The arm looks pretty solid.
Klaus: Yeah, but I mean if you go out on a blind date and end up with this insanely nasty looking person, there’s no use in concluding that their arm looks pretty solid.
Chris: So… nice arm you otherwise piece of human garbage collector chair™…..
What a conclusion.
Rudy: A fitting name!
Chris: Okay, gotta go. My Meth lab is being installed. Later guys!