The following is a composite of letters I’ve received about my personal problem of clocking screws. Note that I don’t think you should clock your screws. in fact, I don’t think you should even think about clocking screws. Think instead about screws with slots at all random angles.
— Christopher Schwarz
Dear Mr. Swartz,
I just read your article about clocking screws and I don’t know where you get the idea that professional cabinetmakers ever clocked their screws. Clocking screws means the screws are either over-tightened or under-tightened, so it is a mark of a poor craftsman with a mental problem.
I bet you line up all your pencils on your desk. Or lick light switches.
Woodworkers wouldn’t have taken the time to clock screws anyway.
I’ll bet you got all your little Communist flags all lined up in your caviar bowls when you have your little anarchist friends over to talk about your anarchosyndicate communes. And you line up your pita crisps, too.
Oh, and good woodworkers never overcut their baselines when dovetailing, either. That – like clocking screws – is just sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.
God Bless America, you Red Overcutting Screw Clocker.
— Lord Ashley Cooper, Earl of Shaftsbury
WOW.
Love the misspelling too. Mr. Schartz
or Schwartz ah whatever
OK, admit it. How many of you Googled “Lord Ashley Cooper, Earl of Shaftsbury”?
Yes but which one?
There is only one that lives.
The 12th.
His wife is a vet. She breeds clocker spaniels.
I clock all of my screws. They all point to whatever time it was when I installed them.
As a electrical contractor we had an encounter with an architect that insisted that all the trim plate screws should be in the 12 oclock position so the dust wouldn’t accumulate in the slot.
Um…every switch plate cover in my house has the screws at 12…so dust won’t…well, you know.
I used to work on huge mansions. Every visible screw was clocked. Switch plates, door hardware, hinges. It makes everything look nicer!
“Note that I don’t think you should clock your screws. in fact, I don’t think you should even think about clocking screws. Think instead about screws with slots at all random angles.”
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
Gertie
Seems to be no small amount of confusion about the difference between communism and anarchism…
Admit it Chris, it’s fun to be you. I wish I received email half as entertaining as yours.
John.
Join OkCupid. I guarantee your inbox will become a much more entertaining place 🙂
Okay, you found ONE chest, what does it prove ? Does it make it okay ? 🙂
Wow I wonder how he really feels? The electrician that works with me always clocks the screws, he says it looks like he cares. I will admit I have gotten into the same habit. You just have to know when not to get too “greedy” with them.
I don’t think you get any real hate mail or negative criticism. Everyone loves the Schwartz!
I think Roy sends you email from fake accounts to yank your chain every now and then.
If you really loved him you would have the decency to spell his name correctly.
I have a jig I built (pat. pending) to guarantee I clock them exactly. It drove me nuts having to “eyeball” them. I ‘d always go to bed wondering if they really were clocked properly. Lost alot of sleep over it. The first jig I made was from wood and I wasn’t sure it was exact enough, so I had an engineer make me one out of anodized aluminum. Looks like something from Bridge City. Works great! Register the jig against the side of the piece. Line up the registration marks and clock away. Guaranteed to have every screw on your piece clocked EXACTLY the same. It’ll clock at 12 and 6, 9 and 3 and if your feeling really crazy 11 and 5, 10 and 4, 1 and 8 or even 2 and 7. And would you believe anywhere in between? I hope to have it at next years WIA.
(And for those of you wondering, Chris will have to pay full price, just like everyone else.)
That guy needs a portion of Badger’s BBOW.
My screws are all digital.
I worked for a small boat company 20-some years ago where we built a 13 1/2 foot Adirondack Guideboat and most of the 1000 or so #3 or #4 brass screws that went into it had to be clocked. We used these great little pistol grip trigger actuated mechanical screwdrivers because the small Yankee’s tended to jump off of the screw and poke a hole in the finish.
Clocking the screws was the number one reason we did not use Phillips head screws.
This is one of the reasons why I don’t start a blog. For I would be like, screw you buddy!!!!! This guy doesn’t know anything, for I was trained to clock my screws, and my mentor was trained in the same manner as well. So this clocking method goes back to the late 1800’s- so clock this. Then the over cutting is as common as white on rice. Give me a break, does this guy only own Ikea furniture or production furniture? For I have worked on thousands of pieces and I can say at least 80% of the pieces have over cutting. IT IS CALLED MAKING A LIVING & GETTING THE JOB DONE. Geez….. Ahhhhhhhh….. I am happy I didn’t get this email.
Can campaign furniture be overclocked?
Just wondering.
I should add that overclocking is fairly common on hardware that can handle it.
Nerd crossover alert!
The Cooper family, what a can of worms they are! Where has the term “clock” come from, the same place as muscle memory, pop when it comes to grain “the grain will pop with this finish”.
Don`t clock the slots in your screws just line them up.
Great looking chest!
Just thought… not to many other places I could say that without catching a funny look (or slap) from someone.
Always clock pretty women and screws. Teaching passed down from my Father and Grandfather so this must date from 1880 as per comment above. They were joiners, not cabinetmakers, and even they did it because they were proud of the quality of their work. By the way the slot should line up with the grain when no fittings being used and with the long axis of fittings, except on round fittings where they follow round the circle. Have a good tool singing day.
This is why I use only Torx fasteners on my reproduction campaign furniture.
But you still should line up the lobes. Just sayin’
I always clock my screws when they are visible.
Chris you’re often funny but this was just fantastic. I haven’t laughed this much in front of a screen in weeks. Crazy people mailing you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I always clock screws, even Phillips! Aircraft & dzus are clocked with wrtitng/serial numbers, to be read from looking straight on! Not to forget hyloks….! Parts wit bolt circles are clocked radially, wit one hole out of the pattern, to make sure it is always replaced in the same position. “But I’m Much Better Now”.(Gomez Adams)
Hey Chris….Isn’t about time you wrote “The Campaign Furniture”
My long deceased and beloved mentor and Father was a fine machinist for the Atlantic Coast Line Railroad, and in his spare time built wonderful things like our home, a large format camera, a multitool pocket knife( still own it) , tables, chairs and many other unique items in wood and metal. In his day, it was considered the mark of a fine craftsman to clock the screws, whenever possible, in the items you were making, creating a very non-distracting appearance. Since he taught me, I clock my screws on fine items, but not on a deck, fence or saw horse. Common sense must prevail .
Mike O’Brien
I can live without clocked screws. The misspelling of the town I grew up in got me hot under the collar, even though I’m dyslexic. I’m proud that the town is in the spotlight via good satire from Mr Schwarz and Mr Bill Hicks. We also welcomed Ridley Scott when he needed a scenic hill.
“Clock Screws? You can’t handle clock screws! If you ever stood on the wall you would know we don’t need clocked screws. I give a damn about your obsession with clock screws. I would just as soon you just thanked me for the blanket of knowledge I cover you with and be on your way” “DID YOU GIVE THE ORDER NOT TO CLOCK THE SCREWS?”….. “YOUR DAMN RIGHT I GAVE THE ORDER NOT TO CLOCK THE SCREWS!”
LOL Dude we have got to sit down and have some Bohemia beers – they are the best.