Don’t get me wrong, I like talking about workbench design. But I easily get five e-mails or phone messages a day about the topic, and sometimes I think I should open a 900-line for woodworkers with questions about bench design.
Here’s the TV commercial: Imagine me wearing only a shop apron (i.e. picture a monkey at the zoo with glasses and a shop apron). There’s some candlelight – tallow candles, natch. And a little Vaseline on the lens of the camera for that “soft” effect that hides the crows’ feet around my eyes.
Cue the wife-swapping music.
Then cue my husky, nasal voice, slightly slurred from the date-rape drug my boss slipped into my coffee to convince me to do this.
“How big is it? Press 1 to talk about how large it should be, and if you need a third leg.”
“Should you put wood in those holes? Press 2 to chat about wood dogs or brass ones. I have a pair of brass ones.”
“Who doesn’t want a twin-screw? Press 3 to talk about wood screws and 4 to see if you should upgrade to metal.”
“Do you have a curly crotch? Press 5 to talk about your wood options. Just 99 cents a minute. 1-900-Got Wood.”
OK, that’s is quite enough of that. Good thing our human resources people are out this week.
— Christopher Schwarz
11 thoughts on “New 900- Line for Workbench Design Questions”
You are one sick puppy Schwarz. And remind me never to leave my drink unattended around the PWM office.
ps. wait, what was that number again?
For someone, like myself, who prides themselves in their unfailing ability to debase a conversation, this post is most troubling. Way to crush souls…. I feel utterly useless.
For the galoots out there, I’m starting up a competing service at 1-900-BIG-SLAB. Four inches thick or don’t bother calling.
For starters I’m thinking you need a little Barry White (or maybe Clarence Carter) as background music. As to the drug – what – Tullamore Dew?
On second thought, maybe an intervention line is really what’s needed.
Some of us used to read this blog on our lunch break. Thanks.
What is going on down there at PWW? In your other blog you now have a posting entitled "Two Men & Their Wiggly Wood." Is there a gas leak? Finishing off the holiday party liquor? Did all the women take the day off? Do tell.
Oh my. . . I think I need a cigarette now or something. . .
This is Lost Art Press. Doesn’t that mean the HR department is….. your wife?
I see a marketing opportunity here – Lost Art Press and Victoria’s Secret partnering on a line of shop aprons. Satin with a lace fringe, plunging neck line and extra high hem line add embroidered with a pair of angel wing dividers right over your tool belt region. Could easily sell for $150…
You could bundle it in special editions inspired by PWW editors:
The Schwarz – +$1500 tucked in the apron pocket is a bronze Lie-Nielsen #4 with the angel wing dividers hand engraved on the sides by Catherine Kennedy
The Lang – +$2000 tucked in the pocket is a poplar Gottshall practice block, hand cut by Bob Lang.
The Huey – +$1000 Comes with oh I don’t know a bedazzeled router or something.
I just realized an important omission in my special bundling deal:
The Fitzpatrick – +$1000 tucked in the front pocket of the apron is a booklet containing Megan’s 100 favorite lewd expressions from classic early literary works.
The Fitzpatrick Platinum – +$10,000 Includes a full day, all access private visit to the Folger Shakespeare Library, while wearing your apron.
I want to talk more about the twin screw. Sounds like fun!
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