Lost Art Press

Negative Yelp Reviews of my Chair Class

Posted on by Lost Art Press

Sadly, it’s another day, and we still have exactly zero weird Yelp reviews for our classes.

I mentioned this today to the students in my chair class as we were working on our combs, and we started brainstorming what some negative Yelp reviews of my chair class might sound like. Here are a few.

  1. Very limited vegan options for gluing.
  2. “Red oak” offered up was more “brown” than what a reasonable person – which I am – would consider as “red.”
  3. There are zero – zip, nada – Spanish tarts at “Los Tarts Press.”
  4. Too noisy for intimate conversation. Lighting was too harsh. Not enough televisions. ONLY ONE BATHROOM!!!! Will not return.
  5. Wanted to make a table, was told they had only chairs.
  6. Wish I could give ZERO stars. Asked for walnut, was given something that was DEFINITELY not walnut.
  7. Mallets need cushier handles. Visible sores after three uses.
  8. Limited alcohol menu – denatured only.
  9. No metric rulers – very unwelcoming environment for base-10 beings.
  10. Workbenches were stained, pock-marked with holes and DEFINITELY not 38” high. Unsuitable work environment for fine woodworking. Will not return.
  11. Floor littered with debris the entire time. Staff seemed unconcerned and ACTUALLY threw more garbage on the floor!!!! Don’t know how this place is still in business.
  12. Not a castle (as promised). Instructor didn’t have British accent. Didn’t once use a router plane.

We welcome your negative reviews in the comments below.

— Christopher Schwarz

100 thoughts on “Negative Yelp Reviews of my Chair Class”

  1. Told Chrissy I loved him, but he wouldn’t sleep with me. How can he be a Rock Star if he won’t sleep with his groupies?

  3. Who are the people that make such comments ? I can’t believe they are REALLY interested in woodworking… They belong in a primadonna circus of bitchy complainers, not a course on chairmaking.

    1. You fail to observe the tongues planted firmly in cheeks. Reread the intro, slowly.

        1. They aren’t bogus comments. They are satirical humor Chris and his students thought up themselves as a way to somewhat gently mock the many stupid people who populate Yelp. I had a good laugh at Chris’s ideas of what his bad reviews could sound like.

  6. Seems to think that hand tools made a hundred years ago are actually better than the technologically advanced Chinese tools available today.

  7. From the other comments posted here, I’m glad I don’t live anywhere close and was unable to attend due to having a day job.

    1. Yelp is an online service where people can post comments and review about local businesses. Sometimes they can be very helpful (“restaurant was filthy, saw cockroaches in the bathroom, don’t eat here”) and sometimes (too often) they can be written by people who are completely disconnected from reality (“management refused to buy me another drink after I threw mine at my server during my entitled hissy fit over something stupid”)

  9. Intolerant. Says that the only acceptable option for gluing furniture is hide. Think of all the unwanted Peevees, and Canadian Peevee-ehs!

    1. wow! TWO digs at poor ol’ Paul S! This here whole list is some funny stuff! I am still laughing!

    2. First, you have to find where it’s hiding, to be able to actually use hide glue….
      Second, this is the US of A: of course, you won’t find any Canadian Peevee-ehs down here (except, maybe, from some stray, random Canadian woodworking tourist…).

  10. I haven’t taken this class but my nuncle did and said the instructors are wooden and the materials are stiff. Or maybe it was the other way around. Anyway, I bought this tool you recommended and it was completely dull. I only left it out in the rain once. I’d like you to refund me or send me one of your spares.

  12. I hope these negative reviews were tongue in cheek. Having an opportunity to learn from a true craftsman is very rare. I guess some folks can never be satisfied.

  13. I give it negative 500 stars because they wouldn’t offer it and come to the great state of Arizona!!!! Maybe something could be worked out with Rockler, woodworkers source, or perhaps our local highschool that has antiquated and dull tools!!

    Haha.

  14. 2 stars because non stop butt-fart-weasel jokes.Would have given one star except mis-typed while laughing at steady stream of butt-fart-weasel jokes.

    1. In mitigation, instructor did refer to “weird black boogers” on one occasion. This was not a butt-fart-weasel joke, and it did call into question whether it was said by the same person.

      1. Black boogers? That’s just racist, yo. Ain’t no need for nobody to be spinnin jive like that.

        2 F U’s out of 5.

      1. I had not thought of that. Cheers!

        Now off to the house to modify the wife’s cats.

  16. Chairs not soft, and you have to make them yourself. Limited tools. And none powered.

    1. I am 193cm tall. My bench is 100cm tall. Those two are wonderfully compatible.

      I use my bench for rough work — sizing and planing rough-sawn lumber — and fine work — cutting joints and finish planing parts.

      The bench top is comfortably below my elbow when I plane or chop. The bench is slightly too low for close-up detail work, but high enough so I don’t feel an urgent need for a riser or a separate high bench.

      If you are curious about higher benches, stick some offcuts from a 4in x 4in under the legs and give it a try. If you don’t like it, no material loss in time or money.

  18. I finished my chair and asked him what I should do next. He said sit on it.

  21. Pretty funny. How was the daily coffee? Did it come in a LAP like I was able to use in Port Townsend?

  22. The instructor needs an intervention because he keeps a bar in the workshop.

    Definitely a cry for help…

    Megan!!!!!!!

  23. Wanted to love this class, but chair parts arrived “raw,” no matter how many times we brought this up to the instructor. Had to shave the sticks, saddle the seat, and drill all the holes ourselves. Also, the other instructor, “Megan,” kept talking about Dutch tool chests, which is a type of chair I’ve never heard of. Avoid.

  24. Hello Everyone,
    I’m a retired Operating Room Nurse. In my former life I often encountered persons o this type. They were called “Surgeons”. The more arcane their specialty, the more likely they were to make negative comments. “What do you mean You don’t have a sterile three handed fanglesap?? How am I supposed to save this man’s life without one?? His hangnail will kill him without my expert intervention!! General surgeons were pretty easygoing. I once saw a General Surgeon perform an Emergency Cricothyrotomy with a Swiss Army Knife and a Ball Point Pen Barrel. I’ve yet to meet a Cardio Thoracic Surgeon who could do anything without at least three cases of sterile instruments. In short, the more they charged for an operation the shorter their temper was likely to be. The individual who gave this negative review must have been a Neurosurgeon…a Brain Surgeon, in other words. Needless to say, this person probably cannot tie his shoes without at least two assistants. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my life saved on three occasions by Cardiac Surgeons. The second operation was necessary because the Surgeon didn’t tie three knots tightly enough and he had to crack my chest a second time. The third time was a different reason.

    1. They’re not real. It’s satyr. The people who came up with the negative reviews were just having fun because Chris asked them to.

      That said, I’m pretty positive Chris does end up with surgeons in his classes.

    2. I once saw a General Surgeon perform an Emergency Cricothyrotomy with a Swiss Army Knife and
      a Ball Point Pen Barrel.

      I saw that too, but it was Father Mulcahy and Radar on MASH…

  28. “I joined the stick chair class, hoping for a ‘Welch’ of knowledge, but left feeling ‘Kentucky Fried’ by the experience. Not ‘chair-ishing’ those memories!”

  30. Did you teach a class in chair building or comedy? If they were serious, they were clueless.

  31. I used to teach chair making classes for years before making something of myself and this is NOT the way to run a chair making class. I wouldn’t recommend this place to my enemies and/or neighbors.

    I can’t believe that the tools were not included in the price. For that kind of money it should include all the tools to take home. Its highway robbery!

  32. Limited alcohol menu – denatured only.

    Apparently the place has gone downhill since I was there last September. There was a good selection of whiskey at the time. I’m going to leave a retroactive bad review.

  33. Instructor insisted he’s never cut himself on the hazardous protruding cast iron planing stops. Clearly a lie, have you SEEN those things?!

  34. The trees used to source the “red” oak were definitely not free-range. Such cruelty!

  35. I knew someone who was stationed at Guantanamo Bay for a couple of years. The gift shop — yes, they actually have a gift shop — had several Yelp reviews. All very positive.

    2. Great satire (not satyr).
      Except for #9, that is a real deal breaker. I gotta have my 25.4mm boards.

  41. I somehow feel like #12 was directed at me. It’s a real knife-wall to the heart.

  42. The Sub-Zero refrigerator in the break room was set at 39.5 degrees – insufficient to properly cool a diet Pepsi. Oh, and those pastries provided at the beginning of every day did not come with nutritional information attached. And there were only 23 lunch options. I could go on, but you can see there are a lot of issues with this class.

  43. The 38″ comment hit home. In the process of building a new workbench and its way too tall still. Probably about 38″, I don’t know how anyone can plane anything on a workbench that high.

    1. Stand on a soapbox.
      Seriously, if you can’t cut that one down, just keep it for power tool use. Build another sized to your body for hand tool work.

      The bench is just another tool. Tools should be tailored to their use. You own the tool, do with it as you please. All three of the previous are fairly obvious when you think about it, but sometimes folk don’t make the leap to put them all together.

      Good luck with your bench(es)!!

  45. Zero CNC machines, it’s like LAP doesn’t even understand woodworking. One star.

    1. Certainly Not Craft?
      Certified No Craftsmanship?
      Clearly Never Chamfered?
      Clever New Contraption?
      Choose Nihilistic Cats?
      Just getting in the spirit of the thread.

  47. Reservations required…
    Cash only!
    Limited choices…can only build one thing.

    Chair Nazi!

    1. Whaa cash only!? Edit that post before the IRS agent accidentally runs over this blog… they gots to keep getting their 3 cents to find new ways to waste it ya know!

  48. I came for help with my Poang chair (sorry, their stupid website doesn’t allow umlauts) and I had to sit through six potty jokes and a soliloquy about wainscoting before the guy—who claims to be an anarchist but has NO explosives on hand—admitted that he only knew how to make a “Norraryd” chair.

  49. Lost Art? More like Loud Fart. No idea what they’re talking about. I’m pretty sure there’s no type of wood with “grain” content in it. Day-doughs? Chopping up bird tails? Worst cooking class I’ve ever been to. Tall guy walks too fast.

  52. Here is my negative Yelp review (just in case some people are missing the satire gene) .

    I have not taken the chair course and I never will. I can tell by the pictures his chairs are primitive pieces of crap more suited to some hippy burning man festival. I could bang out a better chair in an hour using my table saw and router I got from the Home Depot. Save your money and your sanity by staying away from this technophobe back to the land bull crap.

  55. I love humor that makes you pause and think before the grin spreads across your face and you burst into laughter. I’m sure everyone looking through my office window was wondering what I was looking at on the computer that was causing the pleasant cheerful facial expression. A big thank you, Chris!

  57. One star. It was only ok. You should be able to make a chair with only a 5mm allen key. Why do they want to complicate things? I was there far longer than I should have been and they had no meatballs.

  58. It’s places like this that perpetuate the global infestation of chairs. Chairs, chairs, chairs, everywhere we sit. No place to even park them anymore. These chairs don’t even fold! When will enough be enough?

  59. Reviews on this make the class sound really terrible. If I haven’t signed up and paid, can I still get a refund?

  61. Great Class, but hide your gummy bears. The instructor stole mine to make more glue.

  65. I was short a leg. I looked at the cat. Some other student had already beat me to it.

  66. I was disappointed in the lack of seating available for the “chair” lecture. By the time chairs were made available, the lecture was apparently over. 1 out of 5 stars.

  67. “Los Tarts Press” — this is the blog quote of the year. I’m literally cracking up just cutting and pasting this into my comment!

  68. Hmmmmmmm.Possibly a slight dig intended for Mr. Sellers in the “castle post.” Maybe tongue-in-cheek?

  69. Chair class?! I signed up for my stair class here. When I brought it up to the instructor he just staired at me then he pulled out this 2 stair shaking step stool and said I could use that. The NERVE!!! They DEFINITELY Lost Hart at this gym. AVOID.

  71. Non falaban a lingua da nosa bendita patria. Explota os seus corazóns demo!

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