Lost Art Press

My Time to Sch-wine

Posted on by Lost Art Press

With the unsettled economy and fears of inflation, consumer spending on stuff such as woodworking tools and books has been flat, and we’ve had one of the shortest holiday selling seasons since we launched Lost Art Press in 2007.

At the urging of our social media manager, we hired a freelance “brand consultant” to help us find areas of the business that we hadn’t yet monetized. After a few weeks of work he presented us with a report, and we thought we’d share some of his recommendations. 

First and foremost, Lost Art Press isn’t taking enough advantage of my good name, Christopher Schwarz. After analyzing my Q Score vs. those of other woodworking celebrities, he recommended we make some adjustments to our product lineup and how we relate to our customers. Plus, appending my name to many of the things we make and write and say to each other in our videos will help expand our customer base into the subset of people who know my name but not necessarily Lost Art Press.

This, according to the report, could be handled in a fun way by taking advantage of the “sch” at the beginning of my surname.

So when we reprint the following books, we should alter their titles slightly:

“The Schtick Chair Book”

“Scharpen This”

“The Anarchist’s Schtool Chest.” My response to that was, “Have you said that one out loud?”

“Schaker Inspirations.” To which I said, “But I didn’t write that book!” His response: “Oh Chris Becksvoort, Chris Schwarz – close enough.”

“Schlöjd in Wood.” Nope… just nope.

Some slight changes to names of the Crucible tools could also reinforce this brand knowledge of the “sch.”

Crucible Sch-raper

Crucible Sch-lump Hammer

Sch-oldfast

Change our “Super woobie” product to “Sch-oil in a Rag” that will “Make your tools Sch-iney.”

And our forthcoming glue heater should be named the “Schticky Pot.”

Finally, we needed to incorporate the “sch” into our craft language, both in the blog and our videos. So…

When I cut a piece of wood, I need to say it’s “Too Schwort” or “Too Schlong.”

Or when a board is the correct length – or a joint goes together well – it’s, “Schrite on!”

When I agree with something, I should say, “Yes, that’s Schit!”

When I prove a point, “You’ve Been Sch-ooled!”

Also, the report said I needed a “catchphrase” to end all my articles and videos. Like Tommy Mac’s “Who’s better than me?” or Glen Huey’s “Make something great!”

The report had a lot of good recommendations, but my favorite was: “Make your furniture a work of Sch-art.”

— Christopher Schwarz

90 thoughts on “My Time to Sch-wine”

  1. Delightfully Schilly! But don’t you think that long elf hat is unschafe while schawing? Think of the schildren! (please don’t ban me. Someone had to say it.)

  2. Merry “Chris”-Mas!

    No, that doesn’t flow well.

    Sch-erry Sch-rismas!

    Much better!

    Hope 2023 is a fantastic one for everyone at Lost Art Press.

  4. Just a thought: You might use what I’ve been told is the Dutch pronunciation of “Sch”: Sk .

    Dave Sch(k)oonmaker
    Durham (Suburb of Pittsboro) NC

  6. I realize this was in jest but please don’t.

    Also, glue pot heater? 220v compatibility anyone???

  7. Seems like a sound marketing plan.
    Too bad Schean Connery isn’t still around. He’s be a perfect schpokesperson…

    1. Will this be retroactively applied to other LAP products? “Fartin’ McSch-itty” comes to mind as it still sounds the same but would be spellt different. That could cause issues.

  18. I was crying with laughter when I got to “to Schlong.” But in my experience when you Schart, you need to change your pants! 🤣🤣🤣

    Thanks for the laugh. Have a Merry Christmas!

  19. Not much of a consultant. He missed the most obvious one ,”Loscht Art Preschool
    ….” Or maybe not.

  24. rofl. how many fifths of schotsch did you take as schotts? you are schlosched! looking at the time schtamp, 4am, me thinks at leascht schix. merry chris ma wanzukkische!

  25. Thanks for the Christmas laugh. I think you should keep the Schticky Pot and “Make your furniture a work of Sch-art.”

  28. I’ve been accused of being too schlong, but thankfully I married a woman who doesn’t mind.
    My wife asked what I wanted for Christmas and I said Megan’s DTC book when it gets published… so you’ll get a little late Christmas shopping from that one!

  34. I would literally pay money for Chris to say “too schlong!” with a straight face in a video.

    Not much money, granted, because society is collapsing, but money all the same.

  35. You made my day Sir (even if it is Christmas). So now I will forever refer to my engraved hammer as “The Schlump Hammer”. I just have to.

  36. I agree with him on the issue of name recognition! I didn’t know anything about you or Lost Art Press until I happened onto a link to your site. Maybe a weekly blog like Paul Sellers does, sometimes daily.
    Merry Christmas and don’t stop writing. I enjoy your wit!
    Doug

  38. Well in the classic movie Spaceballs, instead of the force they say use the schwarz, or may the Schwarz be with you, the latter being a good catchphrase.

  40. In this pic, you are wearing the exact shirt that Richard Maquire often wears in the shop. Seersucker stripes on a pullover shirt. Is this a uniform known only to insiders?

  41. Sorry, Chris. I think Sean Connery’s estate holds the ™ on the ‘sch/sh’ sound.

  42. If that glue pot is not cordless I’m not interested – thinking it needs to run on two 32V batteries for “maximum job site portability”

  46. .,,When I cut a piece of wood, I need to say it’s “Too Schwort” or “Too Schlong.”…

    Ok, I’ve said it before but I really have to remember to not be drinking coffee when I read some of your posts. I was smiling while reading the post but the above line started me laughing out loud. (And the domino effect with the coffee.)

    Thanks for the laugh and Merry Christmas to you and your family!

  51. Scheason’s greetings to all and schundry. Thanks to the bomb schyclone weather event, our family get-together wasch poschtponed. My schiblings didn’t schee it asch a schmart idea to travel in the midscht of schuch a schtorm. They might have been right, though of coursch I’ll never schay scho.

    By the way, I hope you fired or schot the schtupid conschultant who schuggeschted thisch nonschensche.

    Juscht…no.

  53. Enough of the funny business. What I want to know is why you put four holes in the pizza sch-tones you are sawing?

  57. Oh my gosh. The catch phrase… if that’s not a t shirt, then I don’t know what is!! You will sell a ton of them. As funny as this blog was, I do like the “Schticky Pot” name. That’s actually genius. The rest is Sch-rap.

  58. Chris, I think it’s a good idea for potential customers to associate potential purchases with you, but I think your consultant may be a bit off base. The Sch thing is a little strange to my eye and doesn’t do it for me. I’d personally keep looking for a different way to accomplish this end result. I’d consider featuring your whole name in the description of an item where appropriate and including a short paragraph on why you like an item in the description of items that you didn’t write or design yourself. Your opinion on an item does matter to me, but this strange naming scheme may well be a turn-off of others as it would be for me.

    1. I think I took you too Scheriously… I know I’ve been busying a lot of stuff this season.

  59. I always like your pieces on the history of woodworking and tools. Do more schistory.

  60. Hilarious! Were any muschrooms involved in this blog?
    Merry Christmas to everyone at Schlost Schart Schpress.
    Scheers!

  61. Well, Schoot! I did try to help! Ingenious Mechaniks is now up to 4001 sold. Thanks for the laugh! I think someone above took you too scheriously!

  62. Also reminds me of the Schweaty Balls SNL skit who Ben and Jerrys did an ice cream flavor for.

  63. At first i was laughing and felt bad because i wasnt sure i was supposed to. Then i kept reading and realized i was schupposed to anyway i guess. Merry Christmas. And i hope things pick up but i know this slump is hitting almost every company at all levels. Even my junk mail level seems lower this year. Its mostly just from banks now. There’s irony in there somewhere.

    1. Yup aka another name for what bobs below a mans belt. Id reconsider that one haha

  68. Mother : Are you ready to tell me?

    [Ralphie mumbles yes]

    Mother : Alright, where did you hear that word?

    Ralphie : Schwartz!

    Mother : Oh, I see.

    [Puts soap back in Ralphie’s mouth]

    Ralphie : [Ralphie mumbles and scream]

    ‘Tis the season.

  69. Schomewhat more scheriously, thank you for a Christmas laugh. Thank you also Chris, Fitz, Kara, Suzanne and everyone else who writes here for a year of good information, thought provoking content, and the occasional guffaw. Merry Christmas. I hope that you enjoy the holidays with your loved ones.

  70. Chris,I hope that you didn’t pay good money for this crap. You people are better ( and more adult ) than that .
    Keep up the good work.
    Mick Adley.

  71. Too funny. I would have to say that much of what I make would definitely be in the category of Schart! Schtill, I enjoy myself.

  72. This post is to be counted for generations among the blog posts that guide and enlighten the people for all time. A true work of schart.

  73. And you paid good money for this, I’m sure. Mostly curious about the glue pot heater you snuck into the blog. Any other details available?

  74. Given what seems to often happen to me when I am woodworking, I think “doh!” would be mine though it’s already taken.

  76. I think you should look for a better adviser not sure if this was joke or not. Today with so many stupid ideas being tossed about I have trouble believing anything sorry for my rant. Have a merry Christmas and prosper in the coming year

Comments are closed.