Lost Art Press

Before the 2020 Gift Guide – Some Stupid Marketing

Posted on by Lost Art Press
“Mommy, why does Santa have a MagLite?”

After Popular Woodworking and its parent company were taken over by the second or third (I forget) venture capital firm, they hired some online marketing geniuses. This group of simpletons had one plan in their playbook: Have a special blowout sale for every holiday and national observance.

And so we got great marketing emails with headlines such as:

“You’ll Fall MADLY IN LOVE with our Valentine’s Day Sale!”

“Our St. Patrick’s Day Prices will Make you GREEN with Envy!”

“You’ll SAVE the DAYLIGHTS out of Woodworking Books During Our Daylights Savings Sale!”

The holiday that broke me, the one that made me call them and yell (I never yell) was:

“Don’t Let These Savings PASS you OVER – Our Big PASSOVER SALE!”

So as we enter the season for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Pan American Aviation Day, I’d like to run a fun little contest to create the absolute worst holiday sales pitch. Pick a holiday – any holiday. Here’s a good list. Then write a terrible, horrible, awful, funny sales pitch that takes advantage of that holiday. 

Keep it clean. Children and Megan’s mom read this blog.

Post your sales pitch in the comments before noon Eastern on Friday, Nov. 20. The worst/best sales pitch (determined by me and my stupid sense of humor) will win a $100 Lost Art Press Gift Card. Don’t forget to enter your email in the commenting form so we can contact you if you win (your email will not appear in the message).

— Christopher Schwarz

P.S. The 2020 Anarchist’s Gift Guide starts on Wednesday.

197 thoughts on “Before the 2020 Gift Guide – Some Stupid Marketing”

  1. You’ll lose your head over these Bastile Day savings on blades and sharpening suplies!

  2. Don’t miss our amputee awareness Day Sale October 4-11! Now is your chance to pick up some fine tools without giving an arm and a leg!

  3. This year put the Chris back into Christmas … and get the never to be repeated pre-order price for the Anarchist’s Tool Chest 2: Dreams come true.

  4. These prices will BLOW YOU AWAY!!!

    Come on down to Hurtz Meat Locker and take advantage of our explosive discounts in celebration of National Explosive Ordnance Disposal day! All ground meats, 50% off or more! Items marked with the red wire get a special surprise gift at checkout! Purchase one of our homemade extra-spicy taco seasonings, get one free.

    Hurry in! You REALLY don’t want to run out of time on these deals! May 1st.

  5. Make your Good Friday a Great one with half-price on blacksmith-forged Roman nails!

      2. Megan’s Birthday should be a holiday sale at Lost Art Press.

        “10 percent off today only! You’ll be Beggin’ for Megan’s favorite books”

  8. These savings will BLOW YOU AWAY!

    Come on down to Hurtz Meat Locker and take advantage of these EXPLOSIVE deals on National Explosive Ordnance Disposal Day, May 1st!
    All ground meats, 50% off! Items marked with the red wire get a free surprise gift at checkout! Buy one of our homemade super-spicy taco seasonings, get one free!

    Hurry in, you REALLY don’t want to let the clock run out on these deals!!!

  12. It’s Arbor Day! Treat your arbour with a new Slice-o-matic 40 tooth blade made with the finest Unobtanium.

  14. These savings will BLOW YOU AWAY!
    Come on down to Hurtz Meat Locker and take advantage of these EXPLOSIVE deals on National Explosive Ordnance Disposal Day, May 1st!
    All ground meats, 50% off! Items marked with the red wire get a free surprise gift at checkout! Buy one of our homemade super-spicy taco seasonings, get one free!
    Hurry in, you REALLY don’t want to let the clock run out on these deals!!!

  15. These savings will BLOW YOU AWAY! Come on down to Hurtz Meat Locker and take advantage of these EXPLOSIVE deals on National Explosive Ordnance Disposal Day, May 1st! All ground meats, 50% off! Items marked with the red wire get a free surprise gift at checkout! Buy one of our homemade super-spicy taco seasonings, get one free!Hurry in, you REALLY don’t want to let the clock run out on these deals!!!

  16. These savings will BLOW YOU AWAY! Come on down to Hurtz Meat Locker and take advantage of these EXPLOSIVE deals on National Explosive Ordnance Disposal Day, May 1st! All ground meats, 50% off! Hurry in, you REALLY don’t want to let the clock run out on these deals!!!

  21. You won’t believe the 95 ways we have nailed our prices in our Reformation Day sale!

    [For some reason, companies always have Halloween sales instead…]

  23. Deals and discounts are invading the shore front of your inbox! Enjoy the sacrifices we made to get you exactly what you need this D-Day!

  24. You won’t believe the 95 ways we have nailed our prices in our Reformation Day Sale!

    [For some odd reason, retailers normally have Halloween sales instead…]

  26. Did Santa’s naughty list do you in again? Don’t fret, it is January 11 – National Marketing day – DEEP, DEEP discounts on tools you NEED that Santa thought you didn’t deserve!

  27. Bet you’ve never REALIZED the SAVINGS we are offering at our one-day-only EPIPHANY SALE!!! So follow that STAR on down to our STORE and pick up some treasures fit for a KING!!!

  29. Don’t let our incredible savings catch you BY SURPRISE! Prepare to attend our Pearl Harbor Day Sale!

  30. You’ll give your right hand for today’s discounts on left handed tools

  31. Groundhog Day
    “Feel like you are down in a hole, this early Spring Super Sale will you get you up and running with your shadow trying to catch you.”

  32. LADIES NIGHT – All wives, mothers, and daughters ONLY admitted to stock up on gifts for that special woodworker in your life during our Women’s Equality Day Sale!

  34. EXERCISE your RIGHT* not to pay for 90 days at our annual BILL OF RIGHTS DAY SALES EVENT! We just can’t remain SILENT about the heavy markdowns on our planers, joiners, and table saws. Hot dogs for everyone!

    *O.A.C. Conditions apply.

  35. Honey, where are the kids? They’re all down at LOST ART PRESS for the National Missing Children’s Day sale!!!

    (Sorry, that one’s pretty awful.)

  37. Don’t let the skin-ny leper con you out of coming to our St. Patrick’s day sale!

  41. March on in for our Rosa Parks Day sale! With savings like these, you can take a taxi home!

  44. You’ll be the Teacher’s Pet at our National Teacher’s Appreciation Day event!

  45. Free Mint Julep to the first 25 customers at our Kentucky Derby Day Sale! (Must be 21 or older)

  46. Declare War on Poverty by Saving Big Money at our Lyndon Baines Johnson Day Sale!

  47. Don’t be a slave to high prices! Celebrate with your friends at the Lost Art Press Confederate Memorial Day Sale! No Northeners.

    It’s our 2020 Election Day Sale where we’ll never concede…to high prices! Hurry in! Sale ends in 2-3 months.

  49. This Christmas, GET SAVINGS ON SHAVINGS with 20% OFF a Crucible Tools card scraper.

  50. You LOST it !!! Don’t let your self be fooled !!! Epiphany is the day for YOU !!! Great Savings with God’s guidance !!

  52. Whiter than White Sale now on all sheets and pillow cases during our Nathan Bedford Forrest Day Sale! FREE PAIR of SCISSORS with every set of sheets sold!

  54. No one takes a back seat to these deals! Be like Rosa, and move to the front of the line for great prices!

  55. Ready to REBEL against high prices? Come celebrate Jefferson Davis Day with us at Succession Auto! Your brother got a good deal at Yankee Motors? Well, put up your dukes and come on down!

  56. Woodworkers arise, our Easter Sunday sale starts at 6:00 am. And don’t miss the special sale on Good Friday you’re sure to die for. Hammers and nails are 1/3 off .

  57. Give your bits an Eisen-shower and say AUF WEIDERSEHEN to that unclean feeling with our D-Day bidet sale! You’ll feel like Gold when Juno you’re paying this little! Act fast, you may… NOT SEE these prices again!

  60. “Dont get baited into crap deals, come celebrate Daisy Gatson Bates Day with us for 15% one or more items in your order!”

  61. You won’t strain the budget when we squeeze out all prices for our NATIONAL LABOR DAY SALE!

    1. My favorite real ad nis mentioned in this quote. “”Hosting? Plan a super spread.” That’s the tone-deaf holiday advertisement that’s got an East Coast supermarket chain bending over backward to say sorry for its brain fart.

  63. No need to rush for your EpiPen! we are extending our sales promo for an entire week starting on EPIphany day. Buy 2-books get a third one free.

  68. Take a letter: “Prices are way down during our Administrative Professionals Day sale!” Now, read that back to me.

  72. IBS Awareness Day is April 19. Our prices are running down. Don’t wait or you will be too. Hurry in for our Back Door Blow Out!

  74. NO BUNK! You won’t need to lay siege to our Boston store! We’ve battled to breed a mountain of savings for our Bunker Hill Day Sale! It’s a savings revolution you won’t want to miss!

    Winterclock72@gmail.com

  77. Celebrate a Bountiful Harvest of Birthday Suit Savings! February 20 is Hadaka Matsuri at Men’s Warehouse!

  79. This RURAL TRANSIT DAY, take the SCENIC route to savings at the Lost Art Press scratch-and-dent Warehouse Sale! In downtown Covington, just minutes from the Brent Spence bridge!

  80. Don’t forget that Garbage Eve is on Wednesday so check out these Dumpster Dives picked especially for you.

  81. Oh Susanna! You can fix up My Old Kentucky Home during the Stephen Foster Memorial Day Sale! Sale prices available only at our Swanee River store.

  83. You won’t beLEIF the discounts for Leif Erickson Day! Our lowest price EVER on Mary May’s ‘Carving the Acanthus Leaf’

  85. Celebrate Nenana on the Tenana! Ice Classic Sale: 10% off 10 lbs bags of ice. The Sales are Here and they’re Hot! Gettem’ before they melt away.

  86. Punch Prices in the Face this Pachamama Day in May. Happy Hour shots of Corn Brew are buy-one-get-one free!

  89. Feeling blocked? Don’t just sit there? Squeeze out some great savings on books from Lost Art Press! Move on these deals now this Evacuation Day and you too could learn how to properly produce a stool!

  90. You’ll turn WHITE as MILK as you set your sights on our PROUD deals at Harvey tools this Harvey Milk day!

  92. Woodworkers of the world unite! Our May Day sale on tools puts the means of production into your hands at prices that won’t exploit your proletariat wallet! Shop now Comrade!

  93. Your will power will CRUMBLE to DUST when you see our EPIC 9/11 SAVINGS!

    [Horrible, I know, but I’m trying to think like a venture capital firm’s online marketing genius. Please forgive me.]

  95. That’s right woodchuck-chuckers – it’s the GROUNDHOG DAY SALE! Every item 6% off because it’s 6 more weeks of winter! This sale won’t end as long as the groundhog keeps seeing his shadow!

  96. The prices on these crucifixes are on fire- catch them before they’re all returned to ash this Ash Wednesday! Don’t deny this sale, or you won’t need any other sacrifice for Lent!

  97. Celebrate our Lizzie Borden Birthday sale on July 19th. We have CUT prices to the BONE.

  100. Get prepared for THE BIG GAME!
    Huddle up with lost art books and and forget commercialized sporting events!

  103. Want a shop full of Festools? Well keep DREAM-ing at our Martin Luther King festool sale.

  104. DONUT get GOUGED by the rest. BRACE yourself for the biggest HOLES in our prices since we got DRILLED by this year’s EGG BEATER shortage. Try our triple GLAZED brad points, AUGER for the new WAVE of BAVARIAN forstners. On your way out, cleanup the COUNTER SINK and SPOONs. Help us RISE to the occasion and celebrate national DONUT DAY. All boxes of 12 get a free upgrade to a baker’s dozen.

  105. Come pick from our selection of the NEWER Bridge City Tools at our Chinese New Year Sale.

  107. For all you blind chairmakers out there, get the new edition of ‘Welsh Stick Chairs’ in Broil, I’m sorry I’ll feel that again. Celebrate World Braille Day this January 4th.

  109. “The quality of our tools on our Ground Hog Day sale is soooo low, you’ll purchase them again and again and again. We look forward to seeing you at next years sale”!

  110. Even though our Ramadan sale lasts all month, sunrise to sunset, better get here quick because these items will go FAST!

  112. Gut check deals, our COLUMbus Day COLUMoscopy special at Ajax Gastro Specialties

  116. Show Mom how much you really love her this Mother’s Day with our “It Takes a Village to Raise a Child” calendar. Each month features a special person in your life, from a teacher, to a firefighter, to city traffic engineer. Customize your calendar with photos of your actual mayor and aldermen for only a small additional charge.

  117. Books for all the tools in your family this holiday, even grandpa.

    Home alone this holiday? We have books for you and all the other tools, who were supposed to leave the Whitehouse.

    Recount? No problem – we’ll give you any number of books you want. Happy holidays.

    I bring you Gold, Frankincense and Lost Art Press Books. We couldn’t find Myrrh and anyway our books are priceless. Happy holidays.

    No, you can’t make furniture out of toilet paper. Yes, we know you have lots. Try wood and a book by Lost Art Press this holiday.

    I said Anarchist Workbench, not the Antichrist Workbench. Just buy the damn book. Happy holidays.

    Well you try finding something that rhymes with Anarchist. Just buy the damn book. Happy holidays.

    This holiday, buy our book on making chairs with sleevies, for all your armies. Happy holidays from Lost Art Press.

  118. Savings fit for a King! Kamehameha Day Sale. Uke can say Aloha to high prices on more than 50 items. Book ’em now– don’t Taro.

  119. Savings fit for a King. Kamehameha Day Sale! Uke can say ALOHA to high prices on more than 50 items. Book ’em now… don’t TARO.

  120. Savings fit for a King! Kamehameha Day Sale. UKE and say ALOHA to high prices on more than 50 items. Book ’em now- don’t TARO.

  121. One day only – don’t miss our Groundhog Day sale! One day only – don’t miss our Groundhog Day sale!

  124. Lent me your ears so we can tell you about 40 days and 40 nights of sinful sales kicking off on Ash Wednesday!

  125. This Columbus Day pick up Ingenious Mechanicks from Lost Arts Press and wow your friends with a workbench you claim you thought of first!

  126. However you say it, everything will PenteCOST you less this Sunday! Let the spirit move you to buy, buy, buy!

  129. Look out for falling trees and falling prices on our entire stock of chainsaws only during our Annual Arbor Day Sale.

  130. While our manager is on Pilgrimage, we’re waging Jihad on high prices! Now during our Prophet’s Birthday Day!
    All praise to Allah! And you’ll be praising him too when you see our prices.

  131. While our manager is on Pilgrimage, we’re waging Jihad on high prices! Now during our Prophet’s Birthday Sale!
    All praise to Allah! And you’ll be praising him too when you see our prices.

  134. Prove her right–buy more tools! See our great Assumption of Mary day sale!

  135. Come on down for our Good Friday Liquidation Sale… If you don’t, you’ll be cross!

    If your dog blinks, you’ll miss these White Cane Safety Day deals!

  136. “Lock-down these low prices and forever memorialise our First Day of Stay at Home Order with these sick deals on carving tools*!”
    * These executive orders are available for curbside pick-up, only.

  137. Come shop our “Read Across America Day Sale”! One day only, all Lost Art Press books are BOGO! Only an illiterate fool would miss out on these savings!

  138. Labor Day Sale – Get any Anarchist title for three labor hours (or three pounds of corn). Buy two and get a free set of refurbished hand-carved bespoke cereal spoons.

  139. High time to save on Peter Follansbee’s Make a Joint Stool From a Tree. Now through 4/20.

  140. Celebrate Confederate Heroes Day!
    Don’t be a slave to old prices!
    Here at Dixie Volkswagen “Old Time Values are not Forgotten” as our staff gets rebellious with our holiday Lease-to-Own sales.

  141. GOBBLE UP this Thanksgiving at Smithy’s Hunt Club and Restaurant.

    This Thanksgiving only – $10 Access to our “free range” turkey and hog pens. Use one of our premium firearms or BYOG! Fun for the entire family!

    Remember at Smithy’s, “You Kill It, We Grill It!”*

    *Cleaning, preparation, and cooking at additional cost

  142. Not really hitting the brief, but it was my only idea and I couldn’t help myself …

    JEDI-ncredible savings in our May the Fourth SALE!

    Tempted by the DARK SIDE? Lured by the promise of results you don’t work for using jigs you don’t need? Feel the one-time special offer screaming pink Carlos Fandango supercheap 89° not quite quare calling you from that advertisment? DON’T GIVE IN!

    REACH OUT with your feelings. Let THE FORCE lead you to our May 4th SALE. Modest discounts on well designed, carefully made genuinely useful tools. Be at ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE and choose tools your kids kids can still be using when you’re long into the afterlife!

  143. Come check out our line of fine sniper rifles and scopes at our Martin Luther King Birthday sale! Wear your hood and we’ll take an extra 10% off!

  144. January 16th is National Nothing Day – Celebrate by downloading the Anarchist’s Workbench for nothing.

  145. 25% OFF during our Bastille Day !

    Get a FREE month and UNCHAIN your skills when you subscribe during our special JUNETEENTH sale !

    You’re gonna have to TAKE A SEAT when you see our prices ! Rosa Parks Day sale !

    Our prices are SINKING for our Pearl Harbor Rememberance Day Sale !

    You shouldn’t have any RESERVE about getting advantage of our Native American Day Sale !

    Our prices GO SOUTH during our Confederate Memorial Day Sale !

    Don’t FORGET to get a subscription during our Memorial Day Sale !

  149. You could be WASHING TONS of laundry, thanks to our Georges Washington Day’s Laundromat coupons !

    Discover a NEW WOLRD of saving during our Columbus Day Sale !

    Great prices on PREGNANCY items during our Labor Day sale !

    Kansastic prices on our Kansas Day sale !

    Black Friday on a Monday ? That’s out Martin Luther King Day Sale !

    Our prices are DESCENDING faster than the Holy Spirit during our Pentecost sale !

    You CAN’T PICTURE how much you’ll save on our Prophet’s Birthday sale !

  150. You’ll be FLUSHED with savings on our National Toilet Day Sale! Don’t let it pass you by!

  151. Love in the Woods
    VALENTINE’S DAY SALE

    We’ll steel your heart
    with our 11% rabbet
    on everything in store.

    GREAT PLANES TOOLWERX

  152. Election Day sale extended through January 20! Maybe more, maybe less. We’re really not sure.

  153. It’s time to save big in Panama! Come on down to the Isthmus be Christmas Clearence Sale.

  154. Be a chiseler this Christmas!

    Celebrate Veterans Day with the sanders of Iwo Jima

  155. Don’t let our Pearl Harbor Day sales sneak up on you this year. These sales and sinking prices will blow you out of the water!

  156. LENT a bunch of tools to friends but never got them back? We GIVE UP everything but the savings so come out for our 40 day extended sale. Deals start on WEDNESDAY with a special on everyone’s favorite wood – ASH!

  158. Our prices are POINTING DOWN TOO, during our National Impotence Day Sale !

    Save some DOUGH during our World Bread day Sale !

    You can’t BEAT our prices during our National Domestic Violence Awareness Month’s Sale ! ( on a different note, you can’t beat it either, or hardly, during our National Impotence Day Sale)

  159. Jan 1 – Don’t DROP THE BALL on these GREAT SALES!!! One Day ONLY!!! Every FIRST day of the month until Black Friday!!!
    Jan 6 – You’ll think we’ve SEPARATED from Reality the way We’ve SPLIT prices during our “loved-once” USED TOOL sale. Don’t DIVORCE yourself from these deals!!! Bring home YOUR TROPHY!!! Today only! Thru February 13th!!!
    Jan 7 – Keep your traditional woodworker shop ORTHODOX this CHRISTMAS with our blow-out hand-tool-only sale. Remember! It can’t cut you if it AIN’T PLUGGED IN!!!
    Jan 20 – Do We Have A DREAM SALE for you!!! Etc! ETC!!!
    Jan 25 – Celebrate New Year’s all over again during our LOW-COST IMPORTS Super Sales Event! No YUANing over these explosive prices!
    Feb 2 – IT’S BACK!!! We Predict 6 More Weeks of Groundhog Sales to keep you warm till SPRING!!!
    Feb 2 – TURNERS! Create your own SUPER BOWL with one or MORE!!! of our LV Sharpening Systems at SCRAPE THE BOTTOM PRICES that won’t GOUGE you!!!
    Feb 7 – WEAR RED and BUY RED with our RED TAG specials. TODAY ONLY thru February 14!!!
    Feb 12 – DON”T BE ON THE LOSING SIDE!!! We’re ASSASSINATING our PRICES during our MEGABRAHAM 16% off Blue-tag/Gray-tag SUPER CIVIL SALE that’ll make you feel like a WINNER no matter what side of the MASON-DIXON your shop’s on!!!
    Feb 14 – We’ve MASSACRED PRICES and SHOT DOWN shipping costs in our HEART-SHAPE of a Sweet Sale with deals you’re gonna LOVE!!! Buy a BOUQUET of great tools for your woodworking VALENTINE!!!
    Feb 25 – LAISSEZ LES BON PRICES ROULER!!! Our parade of GREAT DEALS will have you DANCING in the street. Don’t miss this LAST BIG SALE before tomorrow’s NEW BIG SALE!
    Feb 26 – No need to FAST, just PRAY you don’t miss the MARK downs on select seconds with our big dent, scratch and SMUDGE sale!!! BONUS: We’ve CHIPPED away at ALL our ASHley Iles CHISEL prices. And check out our BURN down MARK downs on ALL corded and battery PALM sanders! Don’t miss it! This WEDNESDAY ONLY! thru MAY!!!

  160. There’s nothing pure about our bread! Be a mutt and get your butt down to our NATIONAL MUTT DAY BAKE SALE on Wednesday, December 2! All proceeds benefit local shelter animals.

  161. What have you done to deserve this?
    NOTHING!
    Come in for our
    ANNUNCIATION DAY SALE
    It’s pregnant with bargains.

  162. Come on down for the DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM DAY SALE!!! Find great savings on everything in stock as long as some one put the card back. It is going to be a 793.2!

  163. Don’t get LOST AT SEA looking for a COLUMBUS DAY DEAL!!! Learn to read a map and navigate on over to our INDIGENOUS PEOPLE’S DAY SALE! It might just save your life…

  164. Enjoy your *legal vote for our low low prices for Susan B Anthony’s birthday!!

    she was convicted of illegally voting in 1872 but never paid the fine…

  166. Big Wampum

    COLUMBUS DAY SALE

    @ Squatters’ Lumber

    “We’ve put the hatchet
    to prices on native species.”

  167. Put some glitter in your woodwork with a Class at the Storefront! Lost Art Press

  168. ROWS and ROWS of prices SHOT down! Friends and Foes gather at Flanders’ this REMEMBRANCE DAY, where the deals keep POPPYing up!

  169. Throw off the chains of domestic drudgery during our Juneteenth Whites sale! Our prices will swing so low, you’ll need a chariot to carry it all back to your plantation!

  170. Escape? No! We emancipated our best prices for you! Our unbeatable Juneteenth field sale! Cotton pickin’ good deals on sheets, robes and more at Douglass’s Underground Emporium!

  171. We’re chopping down prices for our Washington’s Birthday sale! Revolutionary deals on Cherry lumber!

  174. Come check out our STRANGE FRUIT! That’s right, save big on greengrocer seconds during our Lynching Victims Memorial Day sale!

  175. Rise up! Don’t let out deals Passover you. Everything 30 silver pieces or less at Lucifer’s – where everything is always Yahwah!

  177. Rise up! Don’t let out deals Passover you. Everything 30 silver pieces or less. The Easter sale at Lucifer’s – where you always get it Yahwah!

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