Lost Art Press

Caption Challenge – Valentine’s Version

Posted on by saucyindexer
Circa 1615, BnF Gallica.

Calling all witty and wise-crackin’ woodworkers! It’s time for a new Caption Challenge. This challenge will run until midnight Monday, Feb. 17 EDT. Chris Schwarz will send the winner a prize (Editor’s note: It’s a T-shirt of your choosing).

The caption can be a one-liner, a poem, a limerick – inject some love into the equation. Just keep it clean as per the blog rules (although the sonnet that originally accompanied the engraving was anything but clean).

Valentine’s Day can be a fraught-filled time, so as a public service (and musical interlude) I’ll answer some commonly asked questions:

”Saucy, I just broke up, and I’m feeling kinda low right now. I just can’t caption.” Answer: Sometimes love hurts and love doesn’t always fit in the little heart-shaped boxes we make. Whether we want them to or not, feelings linger. Embrace your pain and when you are done wallowing, get back out there!

”Saucy, I want to win this challenge, but first I need to get back together with my valentine. For months now she runs every time I see her and won’t answer my calls, texts or emails.” Answer: Are you a creep ? Don’t be a creep.

”Saucy, we’ve lost that lovin’ feeling. Any suggestions?” Answer: wine and Barry White.

— Suzanne Ellison

103 thoughts on “Caption Challenge – Valentine’s Version”

  2. There once was a sawyer from Bruges
    Who knew that ripping lumber took two
    So he enlisted his lady
    As the pitman- was he crazy?
    She did it for love, that is true.

  3. There once was a sawyer from Bruges
    Who knew that ripping lumber took two
    So he enlisted his lady
    As the pitman- was he crazy?
    She did it for love, that is true.

  6. “Just think how this’ll bring that girlish figure back”
    (As he’s ducking a rock launched from below…)

  8. ‘Ahh that’s better. At least now I can see your cleavage. Happy Valentine’s Day!’

  16. Last picture before the divorce: “But honey, our therapist did say we should plan an activity for just the two of us.”

    Glenn Ingram

  18. When Herr Sawyer, his pit filled with shit saw,
    He built two horses rather than quit saw.
    His wife took a pass at
    One-upping the ass hat
    Sawing beam horse and spouse with his pitsaw.
    He’d been thoughtless, dyspeptic
    And neglected his septic
    So the neighbors who chose to acquit saw.

  22. Him: “‘I would not wish any companion in the world but you'” (The Tempest – Act 3, Scene 1).

    Her: “‘Alas, that love, so gentle in his view, Should be so tyrannous and rough in proof’” (Romeo & Juliet – Act 1, Scene 1).

  26. (Panting): YOU SURE THIS WILL HOLD YOUR MOTHER!?
    (Also Panting): I DIDN’T KNOW YOU HAD A BROTHER!?

  28. There once was a lady from Nice
    Who knew how to set a saw’s teeth
    She brought her new beau
    To her pit saw to show
    She knew how to work from beneath

  29. There once was une femme named Brigitte
    Whom every homme wanted to meet
    She took each to the pit
    And made the men rip
    To see who’d be best under her sheet

  30. And no one had the heart to tell them that they were sawing on the wrong side of the line.

  31. “If you loved me you’d let me go on top”.

    Thinks ” I wonder if I still get flowers when I let him saw through the trestle”

    Jill Thinks “after this, when we go up the hill for water, I’m going to smash Jack’s damn head in and make it look like an accident”

    This is not what I expected when you said “come and help me with my massive wood you can spend the afternoon pulling on a large tool”.

  33. Nice pull stroke babe… have you done this before? Never mind… please be my Valentine

  35. It at that moment, when the last piece of cut wooden fiber went down her blouse that Karen made up her mind. “ Someday by GOD, women will be on top!” She quietly contemplated to her self. 🧐🤭🤫😂

  37. The couple that plays with wood together,
    Stay together.

    Hey sweetie, is that wood for me?

    He is clealry compinsating, with that huge timber.

    1. because nothing’s funnier than editing a joke 20 minutes after you make it, “you know what they say, the taller the sawhorse, the harder the wood,”

  39. Her- “Why can’t we just go to IKEA and buy a new bed already to put together?!”

  43. I promise, dear, as soon as we have a son and he’s grown a bit, he will be my pitman. Until then, I need to be up here to follow the line. When will supper be ready?

  44. Sorry George, the Drag Queen show went long last night and I didn’t have a chance to change. It’s fine Brad, I always loved you for who you are, not for how you look. Happy valentine’s day!

  45. This is not what I thought you meant when you said “New furniture for Vaentine’s Day!”

  46. “This is not what I thought you meant when you said “New furniture for Valentine’s Day?”

  47. ” I never promised you a rose garden. What I promised was an arbor for a rose garden.”

  48. On sawhorse bed, they push-pull-stroke/
    Along the beam of girthy oak./
    He above; her below./
    Up-down they go and go,/
    Until sawyers are sawdust-soaked.

  51. Great woodworkers cast large shadows!

    Honey, don’t you think the table legs are a tad long?

    It’s so easy when the rake and fleam are perfect.

    Jeremia, is this most efficient way of making firewood?

  52. I above
    She below
    she begs me take it slow
    Each thrust brings us closer to the end
    Sweat upon our bodies forms in rivulets
    As we move in unison
    Until she cries with ecstasy
    It is finished!
    Lunch!

  53. “Don’t worry my dearest! After this we’ll go on that romantic horseback ride you desired! I know two stout steeds that will do perfectly.” (Looks down at saw horses)

  54. The ‘woodblock print’ , shows a woman and the ‘hard work’ side of the ‘resaw’ where she would have had the major work needed to cut the log. Not a realist view. Pit saws and re-saws worked with the ‘man on top’ steering the cut and drawing it back up for the next power cut of the worker below. Not Woman’s work at all.

  55. How about a haiku?

    “I’ve got wood,” he said.
    “and I want to be on top.”
    “Why are you so mad?”

  56. Down Through The Ages: Historical evidence of men, filthy scoundrels we may be, working shamelessly hard to get even the slightest peek of the bountiful promise beneath the blouse of our fairer halves.

  59. “Well, if you had a proper dowry we wouldn’t have to make our own furniture now would we?”

  60. There once was a man from Southwick
    Whose wood was six inches too thick
    With a young lass on the ground
    They stroked up and down
    And together they made it fit quick.

  61. There once was a man from Southwick
    Whose wood was six inches too thick
    With a young lass on the ground
    They stroked up and down
    And together they made it fit quick.

  62. There once was a man from Nantucket
    Made his spouse work to save them a ducat
    She started giving him strife
    To which he replied, “Dear wife,
    Would you PLEASE shut up and just buck it?”

  64. When arguments left them quite tender,
    the couple would turn to their timber.
    The joy of shared work,
    Had a curious perk:
    The wood would rekindle love’s ember.

  65. Though many will think of the timber,
    As symbol for everyman’s member,
    Her eye-level glance,
    Is below the pants…
    Her fetish is feet, do remember.

  67. “Verily I did think me that ‘Two more hands for thy hard wood’ had a more pleasant aspect!”

  69. The calendar round we look after our chores.
    To Saint Valentine’s my eyes were set.
    With my lass I’d take us both to the woods
    In a trice, our passion would soon be met.

    To her I proffered my love all day.
    Through yon forest did we stroll.
    I spoke sweet bits in her ear, hoping we may
    About the hay take a roll.

    Sharing love’s toils, she helped with the felling.
    I sat and admired her charm.
    She dragged the log back my city dwelling,
    My thoughts aflutter and warm.

    Now give and take tis what our love is about,
    Though an old saw, tis true.
    So, upon the trestle I pushed, she pulled. Without doubt,
    Tis a labor for two.

    As the end of our day was coming nigh,
    With her cookery my love did her bit.
    Quaffing a lager I sat acouch with a sigh,
    Then to our repast did we sit.

    Now sated, with an eye to the concealing hours,
    On my tired love, my arms entwined about.
    But alas! I had forgotten to purchase the flowers,
    So with scorn she threw me out.

  70. But Honey, just remember how much money we’re saving by doing this ourselves — and now we OWN the saw!

  72. “I envisioned something else when you suggested we build something beautiful together!”

  73. Land O Goshen Ebeneezer, that Japanese pull saw you bought me for Valentine’s Day works like a charm!

  76. Top sawyer: “Steve, you know I think you’re a fun guy….”
    Steve [exasperated]: “I just lost a bet, that’s all. Now stop looking down my bodice!”

  77. NASA gets into everything. Just like the moonshot they faked this guy cutting this beam . Any good carpenter worth his salt knows you would fall off that beam because it is not supported, also he doesn’t have a shadow on the ground like the lady. This proves that NASA faked this because there is know butt landing.

  80. Oh you are a classy dame
    If only I could recall your name
    But there is but one thing I adore
    For Tis your beautiful frame…….saw.

  81. Get in the pit, my dear ole Nance
    The top is mine, with you there’s no chance
    You’ve got the bloomers, I’ve got the pants.

  84. “Move to the city she said, marry a city man she said, life is easier in the city…you were wrong mom”

  86. “Trust me Betsy, its a new fad called the Framesaw Booty, and it will surely bringeth all the boys to thine yard”

  87. Him “I hope you like the jewelry box I’m going to make you for Valentines Day hon.”
    Her “jewelry box? I thought your were making me a new bed!”

  88. My love for you is like a bow saw,
    sharp and tense.
    My love for you is like a timber beam,
    True and unbent.

    My love for you is like a saw horse,
    Strong and secure.
    My love is all these things,
    And like iron it will endure.

    Sawdust is sexy
    And so are thee.
    Tis that a Mortiser in your pocket,
    Or are you just happy to see me?

  94. Valentine’s Day accident when young man diverts his gaze from the kerf in the wood to the kerf in the blouse of his fellow Sawyer causing him to step beyond the balance point bringing certain disaster.

  95. “Backbreaking, I know. But stick with it and I’ll let you do the sanding.”

  96. I didn’t ask him because I loved him, I didn’t ask for him to drop dead either you know.

  97. 25 years that we’ve been wed.
    The 14th of the 2nd month is nigh.
    Without lament you have swung an axe,
    carried a bucket and born a child.
    You have lifted me to share your dreams.
    Now this dude must abide.
    For the coming 25 years, will you stay my Bride?

  98. He said he was sharp,
    And he said he was strong,
    And he said she’d be glad if she got ’im;
    But she had a doubt,
    It was no cause to shout,
    When he said she could be on the bottom.

  99. CYRANO (imperturbably): Is that all? Ah no! young blade!

    Modern: We got matched up on JoyNtr.

    Hopeful: I bring all my first dates here because the kerf makes me look skinny.

    Saucy: Its more work on top but less messy.

    Punishing: I love her so much that I cantilever.

    Musical: I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep a close watch on this saw of mine. Becase you’re mine, I cut the line.

    HR: Her last boss made her work in a pit!

  100. Before I got married by law
    I took the advice of my paw
    Tho’ she’s smart and she’s pretty
    And be ever so fit she
    Should excel at the end of the saw.

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