Lost Art Press

Play Dead, Wally. Good Boy

Posted on by Lost Art Press

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I know that this blog entry will tick off some people because of this first line: We have someone clean our house.

I know, I know. It’s bourgeoise. But it’s the nicest anniversary present my wife and I ever gave one another. Nothing says love like: “Baby, you never have to clean a toilet again.”

Anyway, the woman who cleans our house showed up this morning and wouldn’t look me in the eye. In fact, she skittered out of the room if I entered.

So I looked down. Is my dork hanging out?

No. Good. Did we forget to pay her? Did a cat leave a special, soupy present for her to clean?

No matter. I gathered up my stuff and headed to the lumberyard to get some oak. On the way home I figured it out: We have three coffins sitting around, two of which have giant burn marks in the area where your head goes.

That probably would freak some people out.

Wally the cat, however, seems fine with the coffins.

— Christopher Schwarz

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24 thoughts on “Play Dead, Wally. Good Boy”

  1. Coffins and black cats scattered throughout the house, and it’s not even October yet. Every year! The holidays get earlier and earlier!

  3. At first I thought this a bit scary but the more I look at these it would not be a bad idea to make one and decorate it according to what you want it to look like not what whoever is left will decide. It could be a pictograph of your life. Carved or wood burned i’m sure in time, in the ground it would eventually rot but for the wake, maybe even place some beer holders for those who want to raise a glass to you and say something. Maybe figure out a wood or wood paint combo that will make it last in the ground for a long time, maybe even learn how to gild it or chemical patina it?

    1. I think that is a great idea and a compelling reason to make one; to write the story of your life on this thing. Instead of mementos in shoe boxes, Have this thing covered with stickers and stories and such a little bit all the time, Throw stuff in it you want on “your big day”. It’d save your family a lot of time come funeral day, and also tell the story you want told. Now to figure out a place to keep such a thing.

      By having a cleaning lady, you are creating local jobs! (It’s ironic that most “skilled” jobs can be outsourced, when “dirty jobs” often can’t, ah the security of education.)

    2. ” decorate it according to what you want it to look like”

      An epithet for your epitaph.

      I plan on making my own casket (bigger and boxier than a coffin). It will have a small LCD tv in the lid above my face. No, not to be shoved in the ground with me, but to give the impression and to play one of those corny but cool DVD memorial thingies.

  6. Next time you expect her to come clean, hide in one of the coffins and groan when she walks by. That will mess her up good. Although, you might receive invoices from her therapist after…hmm. Guess that wouldn’t be a good idea after all.

  9. When do you plan on posting the instructions on these things. It is not long until Halloween. I do have one question though. Could you not steam the wood and bend it instead of building a fire inside of it and having to clean all the burnt marks afterward?

    1. Wade,

      These coffins will be for a book I’ll release next year (I hope). If you need one now, you should buy a copy of “Coffin-making and Undertaking” edited by Paul Hasluck. It’s available through many vendors on AbeBooks.com.

      I’m sure you could steam the sides, but I don’t have a steam-box that big (15″ x 84″).

    2. Wade, if you really need one quick, maybe you should call 911 first. 😉

  11. That’s not Wally playing dead. That’s Wally saying “Ain’t I cute? Come rub my belly so I can shred your hand.”

    Does Hasluck mention the moisture level in coffin lumber? I mean come on, these things were produced on short notice, and they only had to look good for, what, a day? Seems to me an undertaker could use pretty green lumber to get a good bend at the shoulder level and wouldn’t really have to worry about shrinkage. You remember the song, right? “The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out …”

  14. With two working parents and two children-our housekeeper is everyone’s favorite member of the family. I get very sad when she goes home for a month every summer.

    Would I rather spend off time harassing my children or vacuuming?

  16. Well, look at it this way. You’ll have to really work up something to surprise her now.

    BTW, Wally looks like he could talk with Phil Hartman’s voice.

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