Jeff Burks sent me some fun photos of English joiners circa 1880, and so I think it’s time we held some caption-the-photo contests. Here’s the first photo:
Enter your caption in the comments before midnight Thursday, May 2, 2013. The winner wins a free copy of “The Joiner & Cabinet Maker” audiobook read by Roy Underhill on two CDs. Oh, and the winner is determined by me in the most unscientific manner I can imagine.
— Christopher Schwarz
Gossamer Shavings? I’ll show you Gossamer Shavings..
“Does this fore plane make my mustache look funny?” “No, your apron does.”
“Knock, knock!”
“It’s your coffin smoother, we get it. Please shut up and let the man take the picture!”
Bell said I could hear him through this thing, but all I get is a dial tone.
Thank you Bill Harris
You may be right Chauncey, just dropping the shavings on the floor and sweeping them up later might be faster than coming out here after every pass and dropping them on the porch.
You get that camera machine outta here, or your head will take the place of this plane!
I guess you didn’t read the fine print, we have an easy way of straightening out issues of nonpayment!
“Hey You! I’m your Bloody Huckleberry!”
Orville’s and Wilbur’s first attempt at planes.
marynickol@gmail.com
If my partner doesn’t cheer up, I swear I’ll smash that plane!
Man, this hammer sucks!
Spills? Do you know what happened to the last person that tried sell us spills?
A cup of tea? Sure, we’ll give you a cup of tea.
like bringing a scraper to a plane fight
Never finding a third member for “Third Try’s the Charm”, the future of percussive tool jazz music was dead in the water.
There is that darn photographer again, just when I look the most awkward.
The OSHA inspector found 19 safety violations in this picture. The building inspector found 18 code violations (some duplicates of OSHA violations). Find them all.
“some nice deal you got there–be a shame if somethin’ happened to it, wot?”
Return our pants or the plane gets it.
This is old Roy he is unhappy as he has to use this massive plane all day, and I get to make sweet Gossamer shavings with this one.
Hi My name is Roy and I have a plane problem, But Peter is here to help me.
You should see the hammer he uses on that one.
Dude, you’re supposed to hold still for pictures. Whatever, its hammer time.
Primo and Secundo on the eve of their “Big Night” with St. Roix.
The brothers Cooperthwaite display their disparate dispositions: one rough, one smooth(e).”
We may be plane folk to you, but we’re still sharp
Excuse me sir, do you know what LHD stands for? Glad you asked…long (smack), hard (smack), day (smack).
Eh Bob? I’ve always loved you…
“I godda have more cow bell!”
Eric Gillespie
Needs more cowbell, but this coffin smoother shall serve…
Man on the right :
Did you see the 2 new seamstresses next door?
Man on the left:
Ye Ye Ye Ye Yep
Think they want to come look at our tools.
Orville, I told you not to give that cat a haircut with the jointer plane!
A Big knock on the old Block
Just two “plane”, well adjusted woodworkers
“His is longer, but mine is straighter!”
“I don’t understand. What makes Cowbell guy so special with the dames?”
It’s not the size, it’s what you do with it that matters.
Just another crazy casual friday at the shop.
“So Jim, as I was saying, a true Scotsman doesn’t wear anything under his kilt, so I thought, what the hell, I’ll give it a shot.”
“You come to the right neighborhood. Kid.”
If you tap this just right, you can summon the Schwarz!
The apprentice walked out.
Jethro!
Put down the joiner, or the smoother gets it!
“Hey Wilbur, you remember what we do picture taking folk around here?”
“Yeah, we take their camera and … pow … just like that!”
Unable to master the delicate art of adjusting a plane iron with a hammer, the Smith Bros.resolve to turn their considerable energies to the manufacture of cough drops.
This one’s in tune, let me see how your’s sounds.
Mozart Duet for Two Planes in B Sharp
Guy on the left:
Oy! Six months it took us to build that cabinet for him! Now the ruddy git just picked it up and drives his buggy straight into a wall wrecking the lot.
Guy on the right:
Relax, just think of the repair bill we can give ‘im.
“Popular Woodworking?”
“Marc and I have never heard of it.”
For the love of the queen, what is he doing with that smoother? We’ll be a laughing stock, quick look disgusted, no dejected…Ahhh! Was that it, did he take it?
I need a new apprentice, this one just stands around and sings, “iiii don’t wanna work, i just wanna bang on the strike of my plane!”
“You kids ring that doorbell one more time and Marty here’ll take ‘is hammer to your little noggins – you mark my words!”
You hit it right here. It’s super effective.
Knock on wood
I am surprised no one has posted this yet.
The gent on the left:
Mamma! Antwon battered up my coffin with his steel hammer! I tryed to stop him but he said he’d bury me 6 feet deep in it.
“Who is this photograph for again?”
“Some American website…….”
“Oh right……………what’s a website?”
“Musical saws be damned!! We’ll make music with these!!”
Photographers: Giving us an excuse to dodge work since 1880.
He said we have to stand here for how long!?! Liam, tell that wanker to stop playing with that box and cape and get back to tending the glue pot. We got work to do!
Robert Carriou
[Man on right] Don’t bogart that jointer! Pass it over to me!
[Man on left] Smooth out man! You’d take one tote and then go off ‘a coffin.
This week I ave mostly been planing wood. (In broad devonian accent)
Toby: I don’t like the look of that photographer, Humperdink.
Humperdink: Don’t worry, Toby, we’ll put him in this little coffin and no one will ever suspect us.
All he does all day long is adjust that damn smoother, trying to get wispy shavings. And then I have to stand on the lower step?!?
“Bob get up to speed mate, I was joking when i told you to tune it till you get FM.”
“Well, Marjory, he may have a bigger one than I but you can hit mine with a hammer!”
OK that’s good – but me thinks it needs more cowbell.
I am Smooth gov’nor and me mate’s named The Jack. We’ll get’er jacked up and smoothed in no time, if you’ll pardon the expression sir.
Hay Fred, My plane is bigger than yours!
There is room for only two us is in this town. Move one step closer and we will turn you into shavings.
After years of hiding,an intrepid photographer finally caught Butch and Sundance outside. Sundance obviously pining for his wilder days and Butch…well just being Butch.
If only aligning my feet were as easy as aligning this plane iron.
That guy does have some pretty serious pronation going on…
Dude. Hide glue is not gonna fix that.
I think these hipsters are taking it a little too far.
Now where do we hang this birdhouse?
Bob grows weary of Glen’s obsessive fettling.
Hey blondie come back! We haven’t finished shaving.
mine may be a wee one but you ‘av to hit ‘im wit a hammer to put ‘im away
In this photograph, circa 1892, we see Charles Sumner Greene and Henry Mather Greene standing outside their first business premises. Unfortunately their foray into the crafts was not as successful as hoped and they had little choice but to to ply their trade in an alternative medium when Greene and Greene French Pedicure failed to attract repeat custom.
Good? You got it? Finally. I am SO tired of doing lighting checks for those prima donna cabinetmakers. Come on Jeb, let’s finish breaking down that side of beef.
I
It’s roy and Chris before they were reincarnated, Chris is asking roy if he wants to do a audio book in the next life, roy says sure but only if Dakota wins it when he holds a contest to win a copy.
i mustache you a question about your joinery skills
Thought bubble above the first guy: “These ties and vests are bullshit. I’m sweating my balls off over here.”
Thought bubble above the second guy: “Not sure what to do with my hands… OK, how about if I pretend to hammer this plane. Is this weird? Nope, i’m good.”
Close your mouth, or I’ll close it for you.
Well, Simon, that’s another nail in my coffin.
Phill: Dale, why do the ladies always walk down that side of the street?
Dale: Really Phill? That tie with those shoes? Don’t get me started…
“No, I don’t know what these tools are for…the guy with the camera just said to hold them and stand here.”
ok, your plane may be nicer than mine but my woobie is longer than yours !
Whadda ya mean “Use a jack plane first”?
“A canny dyah fre an ale or two affta worrk chum?”
“Two joiners partake in a short recess outside as a third continues his toils with a fore plane inside the shop. The fellow on the left stated, ‘We’s out here ’cause Bob’s gots the burrito farts and the shop smells like a gym locka’ full of har’ boil eggs.”
Guy on left: “Not bragging, but mine’s bigger than yours.”
Guy on right: “Oh yes well……..I forget the rest, but your mother’s a whore.”
“Mine is bigger than his”
Sent from my iPad
“When not joining, Stanley & Fredrick offer shaves for cut throat prices”.
Shave and a Haircut!
LOL!
Damn! that jointer plane sure feels heavy after half an hour of posing!
How do you expect to learn how to set a plane when you’re watching the camera?
See? If I tap on the heel of this smoothing plane, the vibrations put my assistant here into a deep, mesmerizing trance from which he can predict the future of furniture design.
Never mind that Schwarz book, THIS is how you adjust a plane…
Man on right: “If I tap this plane three times with my magic hammer, every board it touches will become dead flat.”
Man on left: “I wish I had a magic hammer. I’ll thumb wrestle you for it. I ate a Honey Bun for breakfast. Paul will be my favorite Beetle. Coo coo ca choo.”
Next time you pull instead of push I will do this to your head.
P
mockingbirdhill2204@gmail.com
Oh no! Here comes that Chris Schwarz guy again. Hide!
It’s the new hipster banjo and fiddle album cover for “Aprons and Mustaches by Jack Wood & Coffin Tapper”
A rare photo of Gentleman Jack McNeilly and Sean “Smooth” Clooney, leaders of the Dead Rebates c.1842, New York.
He-man Woman Haters Club?……two doors down
“Two taps and my beard will be perfectly centered. “
You know the melody. Everybody sing:
Roy was quizzical, studied metaphysical
Science in the shop
Late nights all alone with his planes
Oh, oh oh oh
Bang! Bang! Chris’s rusty hammer
Came down upon his plane
Clang! Clang! Chris’s rusty hammer
Made sure it wasn’t a game
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Bring out the “Coffin Planr”!
It’s almost flat Boss!
Oh great! Here comes that Chris Schwarz guy again and he’s got the other one with the red suspenders with him. We better hide.
Damn George, it only took us 130 years to get famous!
Fine, I’ll pose for your darn “photograph,” now give me my plane back…
Malcolm stifles a laugh as Percy discovers that a hammer has been glued to his plane…
I smile, for I do not wear a tie.
Yes we still have lead pipework.
If you tap his head and I tap this plane you will notice they make the same sound.
“No need to rush home Harry. It’s the usual limas and ham.” “I’ll tell you what George let’s go have us a nice pint first”
Is this thing on? Can you here me in the back?
Why does Tommy always get the hammer? Dad always did like you best!
Let me get back to work!
Brother Thomas was a little uneasy, but Brother Jonathan was confident that the oddly-dressed travelers standing before them were friendly, so as a gesture of goodwill, he raised his hammer and plane to form the universal symbol for “Got wood?”
Malcolm stifles a laugh as Percy discovers that a hammer has been glued to his plane…
Everett and Clem decide the Taco Bell twelve pack wasn’t a wise choice before this particularly lengthy photo shoot. Their grand aprons were unfortunately sacrificed later in the cleanup efforts.
“Ha-Ha…. Real funny…. This place needs a better HR department.”
(the shop new guy initiation: glue on plane / hammer handles and no pants for the first shift) “
I’ve convinced Llewelyn, here, that by striking this hollow box thusly, I can summon the trees to come to him so he won’t have to walk so far for the wood. Should keep him occupied for most of the day.
Is it quitting time yet?
So, yous want half-blind tails, eh? For that yous gotta have a little conversation with my cousin Guido … “The Hammer”
My friend here would like me to tell you that if you don’t pay your bill the taps you will be hearing won’t be me adjusting this plane iron
I’d tap that.
Butch and Sundance assume their new identities in the witness protection program.
Stop. It’s hammer time!
Tell me the truth Reggie, does this dress make me look fat?
Williamsburg, NY, 2013.
By tam, Sven, if you don’t put down that plane and tuck point this building, I will smash your favorite smoother!
In this rare photo of Lawrence Welk’s forebears, we finally understand the origin of “A-one, A-na-two”.
Oakay, oakay, oakay, Roy! I see that you can make the blade appear and disappear with a hammer faster than any one I’ve ever seen. But now it’s time to stop loafin around and get back inside and continue baking. Just remember, I still have the biggest plane and you knead me to help. I hope we both can rise to the occasion. Otherwise there’s no way we can raise enough dough for you to continue your TV show. This whole thing has going a rye.
“Do we prefer french style benches or british style?? Let’s just say I have a quart of shavings stuffed down my draws to sop up the sweat… does that answer your question?? And no, you can’t touch my apron hook”
Now Open! The Barry Manilow School of Woodworking. We plane wood that makes the whole world sing. We plane wood that makes the whole world cry. Two seats left.
“Ladies, when you asked if we’d like to try it outside…we thought you meant something else.”
Too late for the contest but…
“See, I told ya. Just tap this a couple times and a whole crowd of galoots gather and make comment.”
Gossamer shavings, phooey. Doesn’t work on on cold smoked salmon either. For lox, you need a draw knife.
Man on the left singing: “If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning, I’d hammer in the evening, all over this world… etc.
By the way, the metal roof looks a little too modern to be from 1880. Could the picture be from the early 1900, perhaps up till 1920?
Brgds
Jonas