When it comes to assembling casework, space is tight in my small shop and time is short. So I do bad things. Things I should be punished for. Repeatedly.
Crime No. 1: Suspect violated the laws of time, space and adhesion by microwaving liquid hide glue. Suspect removed lid of glue, which is brown in color, and released three giant globs of adhesive, which is cow in smell, into a coffee mug, white in color.
Suspect then placed said mug into a household microwave, set the microwave for 15 seconds and then glanced around to see if he was being observed by family members who use the machine to heat up other non-food items, such as Hot Pockets. He pressed start.
After three beeps, which were beepy in sound, suspect removed the glue, which had become Mrs. Butterworths-like in consistency instead of molasses. He then immediately brushed on the thinned adhesive on the wood.
In his defense, suspect indicated he had been engaging in said illegal activity for years, which as we know, is no defense.
Crime No. 2: Suspect is charged with violating the laws of gravity and seasonal wood shrinkage by hanging his clamps on his ceiling joists. Suspect had been warned repeatedly by visitors to his shop that said behavior would result in the clamps falling on his head, his tools, his work or crush some small animal, such as a migrating wombat or hedgehog.
In his defense, suspect indicated he had been hanging his clamps in this manner for 10 years without incident. When asked if the clamps did not all fall during the winter season when the joists shrink. Suspect took the 5th and rolled his eyes.
— Christopher Schwarz
Innocent until proven guilty. I’m pretty sure you can say it was a crime of passion anyway.
Dont put hard boiled eggs in the mic either. ……Dont ask!
What about other crimes like:
– Putting perfectly good, but variously soiled shop rags through the household washing machine
– Using the turkey/BBQ basting brush for glue application
– Soaking water stones in the “good” Tupperware
– Failing to empty pockets of screw, nails, wood shavings, etc before putting them through the washing machine
I’m sure my wife could make a longer list…
Washing shop rags is the main reason I have a washing machine. Running my clothes through is just a bonus.
My background being law enforcement, I really enjoyed writing style of this blog.
Thank you for the assurance that I’m not the only person who commits unspeakably stupid, albeit calculated, acts I should be punished for. Microwaving liquid hide glue takes a close second to my attempt to soften the plastic frames of my glasses in the microwave so I could adjust them and save myself a trip to the optometrist. Eighteen seconds on high was just the recipe to vaporize the plastic, ignite the frames and leave a horrible stink for my co-workers. They’ll never let me forget – a deserved punishment!
Stephen,
While working at Popular Woodworking, a reader told me I could shrink a swollen biscuit (for plate joinery) by microwaving it.
Indeed, they are smaller after they catch fire in the company cafeteria, sending the employees running for the exit. And bringing down the owner of the company to ask who did such a stupid thing.
I’ve never found a downside to nuking hide glue, however. People complain about the smell, to which I say: I love the smell. It smells like… assembly.
At long last the world knows the real reason you moved on from Popular Woodworking. Microwave horror stories are just begging for book: “What me? Outfoxed by a microwave . . .” Perhaps not worthy of a Lost Art publication, Better yet a comic book or interactive role-playing game.
Chris, excuse that I would ever suggest that you are inferior to me in any matter involving woodworking, but my wife might take issue with this blog post. Your crimes are traffic violations in comparison.
Robert Rauschenberg’s famous first “Combine” painting entitled “Bed” is primarily composed of a hand made quilt and feather pillow stolen from his and his wife’s bed, and defaced with paint and other materials. The anger she had at this discovery, as he described it, is fierce. Nearly fifty years on, and at the time of his death his wife had not forgiven him, even though this painting is seminal in the early days of Pop Art, and is now valued at a few million dollars. I’ve done worse.
And I’m pleading the fifth.
One of my clamps fell on my head the other day and I hang them up normally. It really hurt.
Perfect timing – I was just considering how to heat up some old brown glue for a glue up this weekend – wonder if my wife will notice if I move the microwave down to the shop for a little while?
Thanks for the inspiration!
My trick for liquid hide glue:
1) put the bare minimum of water into an electric kettle and flip it on.
2) Wait until the kettle hits 120F, which for me is about 30 seconds. The outside feels just warm. 3) Put the hide glue bottle (I use a small 5oz bottle) in a mason jar, fill the mason jar with warm water to nearly the top of the hide glue bottle.
4) Wait a few minutes. Hide glue is ready.
If you can’t wait 5 minutes, go hotter on the water, though the nice thing about getting it to ~ 120F is that you can just leave it in the water bath while you work. With enough water, it won’t cool off for a while. I’ve got a half hour. And if you need a warm up, just bring some more water up to 120 and swap it out.
Or be done in 15 seconds… (wink).
But think of all those stairs. Microwave is in the kitchen, kettle is in the shop.
“And never…WHACK…ever……WHACK….hit…WHACK…your paring chisel…WHACK WHACK…..with a mallet….”
We lack a microwave, but I would no doubt abuse it in this way if we had one. For hot glue, I just use the hottest water out of the tap, its usually good within 5 minutes. The other day we actually had a break in the rain and the cab of my truck was quite warm, so I put it on the dashboard for a couple minutes and it was the thinnest I have ever had it.
I love the smell of “assembly” in the morning.
I do believe I could add to your list. But I won’t.
I do believe that would be a dangerous game for you to play.
You are right.
At least your clamps are “hung up” but ya those look dangerous up there.
I use an old, electric baby-bottle warmer to warm up my hide glue. You just put the glue into an old baby food jar or tall glass spice jar and plug it in. It even has three heating levels. Works great!
You broke another rule that you didn’t mention, but is (seriously) one that I try follow: don’t put finish/glue/whatever into mugs or glassware and conversely NEVER drink from improvised containers like mason jars in your shop (elsewhere is OK, but personally, I can still feel that white-lightening hangover headache). We are long past the baby food stage at our house, so no one would think to eat something in such a jar.
Come to think of it, you are pretty safe in this case. My teenage son will eat just about anything that doesn’t move, but even he would turn up his nose at the lovely bouquet from warm hide glue! Hmm, what if you drizzled it over chips and said it was nachos….naw, not even then!
Eleven twenty eight PM, Thursday. We were working out of Robbery Homicide Division. My name is Friday. We got a call from a woman who claims her husband was killed by an intruder who broke into his basement workshop and hit him over the head with one of his clamps.
“What happened Ma’m?”
“Well, I heard this loud crash and then there was this girlish scream.”
“Just the facts Ma’m”.
“What?”
“What seems to be the problem, Ma’m?”
“That bookcase isn’t finished yet.”
“Don’t worry Ma’m, we’ll take care of it. We’ve handled casework like this before.”
Wombats don’t migrate.
Niether do hedgehogs, but that’s mainly because the ones that did were wiped out by falling ironmongery.
Well apparently they do because we don’t have any here.
The Elk may saunter south with the sun or the Badger may seek warmer hollows in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.
Overheard from a friend in Arizona “Hide glue gets hard?”
Big smile from ear to ear here… i can relate, but can’t write half as funny as you do 😀
All kidding aside. Nuke your hide glue if you wish, but not in a coffee cup. Any contauiner meant for food products should only have food products (even though hide glue may be edible) A local blacksmith accidently drank from a container that looked like the one he usually would have had a drink in, but it had a chemical compound of some sort (a patina soulution I beleave) As a result he is no longer with us today. I’m sure he only took a liuttle sip, but that was a fatal sip.
Electric ice cream churn to stir epoxy when glassing boats alone…no longer allowed.
On a mechanical note, using the dishwasher to clean various automotive parts seems to be frowned upon by some spouses. But those wire wheel covers looked AWESOME when they came out!
That is quite the a use of a rare, vintage KC Star / Times mug. That has to be from the mid 80’s, before the Times disappeared.
Noticed the clamps in earlier posts, but never commented, but I did think. Man, that is really going to hurt! How long did the knot last?
I can attest to the foul smell of the glue Chris heats up. He references a cow I think of a cows butt. The clamps…well let’s just say it’s an ingenious idea that is bound to leave a bruise. The good thing is Chris is pretty tall so they won’t fall that far before hitting him in the head.
Come and live in Australia like we do. Hide glue is always soft, clamps stay on the rafters all year round and there is a slightly higher chance of meeting a migratory wombat.
You guys do know that practically useful shop appliance like microwaves and dishwashers are available for pennies (sometimes even free ) on the list of Craig, right? I mean why let the kitchen have all the fun. I have to say and old dishwasher would make a heck of a parts washer., but NOT the other way around.