If the trees or the squirrels ever get their act together, I’m certain that I will be one of the first people on the planet to wake up with a horse’s head in my bed – courtesy of the maple mafia.
Not only do I work for a magazine that encourages 220,000 other people to slaughter spruces, but I personally have a lot of sap on my hands. Since we moved into our house 11 years ago, I have ordered the killing of three trees (a fourth died at the hands of a wind storm, I swear). And I’ve also taught a few trees “a lesson” by having a few branches here and there snapped by arborists-for-hire.
Last week, I ordered the ash tree in our front yard be taken out. This was a hard call to make. For the tulip poplar in the back yard that I had dismembered seven years ago, I had no love. That deciduous demon chucked a branch through the windshield of my beloved Honda Civic.
But the ash tree was a loyal shade-giver that had gone bad. Recently, it started chucking loose limbs – first at dogs that soiled its trunk, later on at neighborhood kids walking up the sidewalk. So I made a call (actually, I had Lucy do it). I had them do the job while I was at work.
After the body was removed, I volunteered to clean up the piles of sawdust with a rake and shovel. It was no small task, and I scurried around the stump scratching furiously at the dirt and weeds.
After a few minutes I started laughing. Not because I was dancing around like a ground squirrel on Bugger Sugar, but because I wouldn’t (or couldn’t) step on the stump itself as I worked.
There’s a lesson in here, somewhere, really.
Here it is: Senior Editor Glen Huey and I were talking this week about all the stupid things we’d done when learning woodworking. We agreed that the single-most idiotic thing we had both done was avoiding making cabriole legs for years and years too long.
Cabriole legs – the Queen Anne equivalent of a hitchhiking cartoon fox sticking out her shapely leg to stop a car – seem hard. They are, however, quite simple to make. And once you make one, your reaction is: Huh, that’s it? That’s what I was afraid of all those years?
It’s not just cabriole legs that woodworkers fear, it almost everything new. We recoil at anything with curves, inlay or angles other than 90°. (Ever wonder why Art & Crafts and Shaker are the two most popular furniture styles in woodworking magazines?)
With this thought, I dropped the rake. I stepped up on the stump. I looked around.
The neighborhood looked different from that slightly elevated point. In fact, I almost could see the trees forming a lynch mob at the end of my street.
— Christopher Schwarz
Chris,
As I read this post I could not help but chuckle. It brought back memories of Houston, TX.
On an early Summer morning, my wife and I watched the squirrels in the back yard as they went from tree to ground, and back to the trees. We forgot that some time before we spread sunflower seeds for the birds; one of the little critters had eaten so many sunflower seeds, all it could do was spread its legs on the closest limb, hang on, and pant. It was totally full of seeds!
As we did some yard work, we kept an eye on this little squirrel around half an hour, to see what else it could do – and it could no nothing else! In the end we proceeded with the yard work, but we have had many laughs remembering that little squirrel.
Now I have another story to remember – the Editor who orders trees killed. Thanks for sharing, Chris!
Al
That was deeply disturbing imagery, Chris. We should talk.
Adam
They are coming for you too, Adam.
C
Geez, I loved (still do) killing trees. But hey, I did it for a living. Having the trees themselves, animals, even neighboring trees (and brush) conspire during and after the fact was part of the job.
Needing Adam as my therapist, however, scares me! 18th century lobotomies used some pretty wicked looking tools I’m sure…
Take care, Mike
PS, nice story Chris
Mike,
Knowing your former profession, I’d say you qualify as a former-serial-killer-turned-arms-merchant among the leafy ones. I’ll sleep better with you at large.
Chris
Nothing to add except to say that was a LOL funny post!
Loved the cartoon fox with shapely leg…
I laughed at this story.. Let me explain. We have a tree, elm, that in my opinion is a bit too close to the house . I’ve been watching it grow for a number of years to where I can’t take it down even if I wanted , too large… So, this fall, we decided t have it removed.
Arranged for I me them at the tree on the day of the appointment. Forgot to mention I couldn’t sleep well the night before thinking about this tree. You see, my wife sort of likes it, it’s a good shade tree.
A few minutes later, I paid the arborist and the assistant for their time, and walked them to their truck. That elm tree is still there, my wife is happy about the decision, and I sleep at nights.
Norman
chris,
I have commented prior that there are too many
Arts and Crafts and Shaker pieces in Popular Woodworking.
I love those styles, but would like to see more
variety. Any thought on that?
chris